I'm not breaking down. I'm breaking out.

Wednesday, January 13th
iAnd today marks the beginning of routine. I feel comforatable enough to go throughmy day while being blind. Its no longer a huge shock to me whever I go how to do things. Its not a big deal I guess.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, its all still really hard. I still have trouble maneuvering through Acorn or Zach’s because of the chairs and tables. I still have a hard time listening to 8 conversations at once because I can’t help but do it. But its all becoming something that I’m used to. I come to expect it.

So now its just having to deal with it. Its no longer a sit back and just let it all “hit me in the face” so to speak. Instead I have to pick and choose. I have to maneuver actively. I have to draw maps of these places in my head. I have to be able to focus on one thing though I’m having to listen to all of the other conversations at one time. By doing so I feel as though I’m honing my skills. My ability to operate has increased significantly. I believe that even our tests are showing great improvement as it goes on. I really feel as though I understand acclimation. I get that I’m able to do this because I’m putting my mind to it and recognizing that if I don’t I’m not going to get the full experience out of this. I continued doing my regular things; writing this blog, eating with friends, trying to guide my way to the lab without the help of Ben, trying to remember where every bump, curb, or step is everywhere I go. It’s a crazy lifestyle but if you put your mind to it, anyone is definitely able to do it.

So we woke like usual, me not knowing where or what time it was, and Ben sitting outside wating for me to stumble sleepily out of my room to go and take a shower. I have to say that I appreciate all the patience that Ben has been putting into this experiment. I know this is a challenge for me to have patience to deal with the blindness but Ben has been a great sport, good humor, and very caring. He has done a great job in making sure that I am comfortable, well off, and not putting myself into any danger. Because of this week I’ve learned a lot about Ben. It makes me very happy he’s my lab partner.

We continued through our regular routine and got things done in a fairly short amount of time.

So then I sat around.

Bored.

Not really knowing what to do.

Its really a different experience to see how much entertainment has played into my life, its more of a way I guess. I really rely heavily on things like television and video games to occupy my time. I really miss reading books and that wouldn’t be a problem if I had some of the equipment that most blind people have at their disposal. I’d be able to read, surf the web, and play games on my computer. Sure, I might not be able to play Forza 3 with Zach as he goes on about how the driving simulation in it is so good, I might not be able to gasp at the wondrous beauty of Avatar in 3D, and I might not be able to enjoy the wondrous nature of a good book. I just miss it all. I know that its not too far away but I can’t wait for Friday. I feel like I’ve experience a lifetime, but I also feel like I’m wanting to quit too soon. I mean, its only the 3rd day. Who gives up on the 3rd day? So I tried to get over my boredom.

I started imagining things. I started to explore worlds that I had created. I played music in my mind with different instruments that were at my disposal. I felt as if I could grove to a ever moving landscape. I wanted to stay in that place for days. I love the images that my mind creates, whether they are terrifying or joyful. I enjoy seeing the sights of a windswept desert while able to move nearly immediately to a rocky outcrop over the ocean. I enjoy pretending that my girlfriend and I have replaced the characters for Daft Punk’s Interstellar 5555. I enjoy imagining that my friends and I are sky diving through the air while trying to do cool tricks, spinning down past cosmos and stars that feel warm against our face.

Trust me, if you ever get bored, explore your mind. It’s a wonderful place that can never, I mean never, get boring. Sure, it may be scary, it may be bland, but even so it is never boring. You have free reign, move yourself.

I always talk about facilitating movement. Even if its backwards. It’s a great phrase that I love to have strewn across my life. I don’t like sitting still, I don’t like not doing anything, and I definitely don’t like people refusing to do something because they are scared. I was deathly afraid of doing this. I really was. I didn’t know how to really approach this but I knew it would be a great experience that I couldn’t back down from. I would not back down from.

So I trecked on. Ben and I continued throughout our day doing the normal things that we do. I continued to explore my mind and lost track of time. Before I knew it, it was dinner. Dinner was fun, as usual, because I get to enjoy talks with my brothers. Being blind makes you really appreciate the talks that you have between friends. Some people might see them as pointless, including myself at most times, but they really let you know how you feel about a person. It made me realize why I wanted to be a part of the fraternity. It made me realize that we are a great set of men. Even phone calls to loved ones are satisfying. Talking with Stephanie makes me feel warm inside. It puts a smile on my face and makes me feel like I did when we first talked on the phone for hours and hours 4 years ago. Just look and really take to heart the things that go on.

We went to the hospital to see Ben’s surrogate grandparents as he calls them. Joe, the husband, was ill with cancer. Grace, the wife is as nice as she can be and is really loving. I could tell just from the sounds in her voice that she truly cared not only for Joe, but saw Ben as one of her own. Joe was not in good shape. He was having a hard time, sorry I meant to say is there, with chemo and is not holding up to well. He still had a curious tinge in his voice about why I was blind and seemed to be a great man. Grace was one of the nicest people that I have ever met. You could really tell that she was very caring. This was though, the first time that I have ever heard someone scared. Grace has this quiver in her voice that frightened me to my core. I didn’t know what to think. I felt so strongly that I should rip off my patches, give her a hug, and not let go for a long time. Its crazy to hear that you can tell someone’s emotion just by the sound of their voice but I feel like I could tell better. But for the sake of the project I gave her a good hug and hoped for the best. It really hit Ben hard, which made me upset because not only is it hard to console a person but it is even harder when you’re blind. At least new at it.

On a happier note, I got to go to my bass lesson tonight. Tim was laughing because I had actually come but was happy to teach so long as I was willing to try. We moved slow at first but I was determined. I began to move quicker, picking up on the finite movements on my bass (That wasn’t the word I was trying to come up with, more of the fine movements oif my bass) and how the tones of each note played with one another. Its one thing to hear the individual notses of music being played for you, but Its an entirely different thing when you are playing the notes yourself. I picked up the grove faster than I usually do, I kept it there for longer, I felt more able to explore the fretboard, and I even soloed a bit. It was a great experience and I can’t wait to try this deaf. It should be most interesting. We said goodbye to Tim and left back for Wofford. Ben had gone to be with his brother for a bit and I resorted to the typical Wofford College student agenda during interim. I partied. Fun times were had and many people were talked to. Its great to be able to be around my normal crowd even though I have this condition. At least I know that they can still have fun with me.