A step through the dark.

Monday, January 11th
I don’t think that there is a single thing that you can really do to prepare for going blind. I mean, I knew it was going to happen but almost all of the people who do go blind do not have the luxury of knowing what was going to happen to them. But little did I know, I was going to enter a incredible but frightening world that would titillate my senses while giving me an entirely new outlook on life, the universe, and though its corny, everything.

This morning, Ben and I set off to the lab to do the last of our baseline testing. We got done in just enough time to grab some coffee, because it was eight thirty in the morning, and head out to the School of the Deaf and the Blind. We got there with just enough time to spare to be on time for our meeting… until the guard stopped us. Little did I know that the school actually did have worthwhile security. She checked our ID’s and made scans of our drivers liscense for our passcards and then pointed us in the right direction… but only after about 10 minutes. We finally made our way to the school for the blind. I was upset to see the school in the condition that it was. It seemed much like my middle school, slightly run down and obviously not given the moey to look better. I tried to think of some of the objections that the people who give out money would give. “Who cares how the school looks! The kids can’t see anyways!”

This really upset me. I didn’t know what to think. I wanted to hurry up and have a successful career so that I could donate to the school for better facilities. But, if only that could happen for every school that had a lack of funding. We met with a Mrs. Banks who helped Ben and I go through safety tips and issues that could take place during our time together while I was blind. She taught us how to guide walk,, which I had been a part of before with Ameer but had never been in his shoes, trailing, and proper “Cane ettiquite”. IShe was definitely a big help and a wonderful person to talk to and share our thoughts with.

Then came the time to finally put on my blinding apparatus… My heart started racing and I didn’t know what to think. After Ben had put on the first one I took a final look at a picture of my girlfriend and myself on my phone, took a deep breathe in, and shut my eyes very tightly. When I opened my eyes and wasn’t able to see anything… I didn’t panic. I didn’t freak out,t and I didn’t feel like I was going to die. I felt this strange calm over me that helped me understand that I was doing this for a purpose, that in the process of this strange experiment I was going to truthfully explore the world around me. I was going to see things more real than most anyone else can. I got excited.

That didn’t last for too long, the period bell rang at the time that we left. Imagine having… what felt like thousands, kids who have been blind for an extended period of time and could fly through the hallways with no problem while I am taking baby steps to try and even get out the door. I felt embarrassed, but I understood my predicament and then thought of how later in the week how I wanted to run through the halls as if it was no problem. So I trucked on strong and proud. With Ben’s help of course. Otherwise, as we soon found out, I would run into things… a lot.

None-the-less, we left the building for a most interstting car ride. Let me tell you, this is an experience. At least with sight you have some control, it’s a false control but you feel like you could change something if you need to. I’m very glad that I trust in Ben’s driving abilities because it is most frightening when you can’t see. We got back to campus and proceeded to explore for a bit.

Its strange what you never notice when you base mostof your sense perception on sight. While waiting in line for Alexandra’s, another one of our independent research classmates, swab for DNA a person had come up to me and placed their hand on my shoulder. Confused I reached out and said, “Don’t tell me”. I touched their hand to find slender fingers and a long slender arm. But what really hit me was their smell. I could tell that it was my friend Caroline just from that. JUST FROM THAT. It wasn’t something that I had ever noticed when I could see her face. It was only something that I could tell when I had to. I didn’t even think that I identified people by how they smelled, I just thought it was because how they looked to me. This was very exciting.

We decided that it would be best to grab some lunch since I had not eaten all day and would surely need my energy. Let me tell you, if any one of you have the chance to do this just for your meals, DO IT. It is one of the best experiences that I’ve ever had.Whoever thought that a tuna sandwich would taste so… flavorfull. It was this mixed medley of flavors that seemed to tinge from one single place but at the same time I could feel the textures and flavors mixing together to make a wonderful sandwich. With a splash of cold lemonade it makes the best morning lunch that I have had. I was still hungry so I had asked Ben to make me a salad. He politely got one for me. Here is where the experienced changed.

I thought that the salad had the same flavors experience that I had with the sandwich but there wasone difference. A fork.
I never thought that I would have trouble picking out my own food from a bowl. Who would have ever thought that a piece of spinach would be so FREAKING EVASIVE. I swear Ben had given me fighter pilot trained spinach whose one vital mission was to not be eaten by me. I literally sat that for three or four minutes trying to get something on my fork so that I could eat it without any success. Often I kept asking Ben if there was still food in the bowl because I felt like it was there but I couldn’t ever get it on my plate, he replied yes (Which I hope was true otherwise I’ll get him back later).

After lunch, we continued to explore around campus to all of the places that I usually visit. Instead of Ben guiding me the entire time I had asked if I could walk myself. Ben stayed close tas my aide in case that I needed any help. He constantly asked me questions as to my orientation to things to which I did my best to answer truthfully. I was right on more than one occasion but found myself disorientated at a lot of points. Fortunately I found my way around okay but I doubt that I could get anywhere in a reasonable amount of time. We visited people who were kind enough to be concerned, much to my laughter. I’m glad that this is rasing awarenessof not only our research but disability awareness.

When we left Raines center I had a strange experience. I was so drawn to the sounds and smells around me that I completely lost track of the conversations and the places passing me by. I listened to a squirrel climb a tree, something fallto the sidewalk, the smell of lunch being cooked, the whirr of a electric golf cart, the hum of tires against a road, the footsteps of multiple people going up the steps to the library, the sound that a soda can makes when it hits the metal of the trash can. And possibly the most terrifying but absolutely wonderful sound was the wind blowing through the trees. You have never seen wind until you go blind. Its amazing how I can see the wind flow through the trees above me. It was terrifying how strong and free form that it could be. It was a musical note and a symphony at the same time. It was melodic, harmonius, and a strange cacophony all at the tsame time. It was, no is still, an amazing experience everytime that I hear it.

For a moment, take a break from reading this blog. Walk outside. Take in a deep breath and close your eyes. Just stand there. Just take it all in. Really, for once feel the wind blow against your face. Feel it move your eyelashes, your eyebrows. Listen to the wonderful sounds of animals moving throughout the woods. Listen how the trees talk to you just from the wind blowing through their hair. Listen to the sounds that we have always heard but never, I mean never, have had the time to notice. Even now, as I type this I am listening to the musical rythms of the keyboard strokes against my fingers, and how it tcreates a song that I love to hear.

Okay, back to the day. We continued to explore until ajust before dinner time, around 3:30 or so. We decided that It would be best to go ahead and perform our tests for the day. We made our way through the lab and went through a long hour of tasting really bad tastes, smelling vanilla, trying to discern whether or not there was a beep in my headphones, and getting poked by needles for a good ten minutes. But its all worth it. I know it is so I suck it up and truck through it all. Fortunately, Ben tries to make me as comfortable as possible at all times so I’m usually not having to worry. We finished with our tests and headed off to one of our favorite people, Charlie Gray.

Charlie is one of my most favorite people to talk to because he always has new and interesting stories that arouse your imagination. I have never been so involved in a war story of his. I felt like I could have been there. My imagination ran FREE. Really free for the first time. I could see every bullet, every sweat, I felt like I could experience the fear that they went through while also being able to experience the joy that they had when they finally made it back to base. It was a crazy way to read into a story.

We left for dinner a tone of our favorite places: Mellow Mushroom. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT PIZZA COULD BE SO AMAZING. You really take for granted just how much you can really taste until its one of the few things that you have. We got our usual server who was more than willing to help me out with my blindness. She was very nice, as usual, and thought that our study was fascinating. We had a great time, Ben, Zach, David, and I, eating and joking around. I thought that I would be worried about entertainment but this is definitely the best way to keep yourself occupied.

We left to go chill around in our room and such. We sat outside for a little bit to smoke and I came to a… well, I’m not exactly sure what to call it. It was different.

Have you ever listened to two conversations, birds chirping in the far off trees, a helicopter flying in the distance, and cars going by at the same time? Its overwhelming. I’m going to try to give you all what I felt when I was in that position but it may seem jumbled and out of place so you must forgive me.

… Lennon’s music was just… And I never thought that he would break his leg… Chirp chirp chirp, flutter flutter flutter, But we know that he had to die… If you are going to germany you should visit… What do you… Zoom zoom zoom… I never thought that he would do that to her… What do you think Stephy.n… Chirp chirp chirp chirp…. Whoosh…. And what a sight it is to see!.... Because this epistemic nature… But I’m glad to be back… Flutter of birds flying through the air… A helicopter roars overhead…

And the wind blows through my hair and tingles my face. It seeps into my fingertips and I feel the cold seep up my arms and legs. The chair rocks gently back and forth and I lose myself. I visit this dark place, but not in the sense of a nightmare. Just a place that I have never visited. Its beautiful. Its this harmonious pulse within my body that I move to, though I have never known it. Its this place where I retreat to in my sleep. It’s a place thatI feel comfortable in, a place where I feel at peace. I can’t describe it. My eyes water as I see images of a gray wisp fly past my vision. I know its not really there but I feel like its somewhere in me. It warms my heart and moves all the way to my toes and fingertips. This is such an overwhelming experience.

I can’t tell you if I experienced that because I had gone blind or just because I wanted to experience something like that but it made me very happy. It made me think that I would be okay if I had to do this everyday for the rest of my life. It let me know that there is a place within myself that is a joyous place. It let me know that I believe in myself.

Today’s light dies and tomorrow comes, but not without thte setting sun. A rise and fall of moonlit skies and I just sit here, a passerby. Light is not all that I see, But I experience everything, from you to me. A blade of grass or a wisp of smoke, life, love, and every joke.

This will be an amazing week.