Tuesday, Jan 26th
So Ben and I have gotten started on our actual reports. It’s strange going back and actually having work to do rather than just being blind or something like that. Instead, I have to write a lot.
Fortunately I don’t mind writing. But I’m sure you can tell that from the previous blog postings. We decided an outline for our personal paper and discussed when we would examine data and begin our scientific report.
It’s strange being able to order a sandwich without any problems.
I spent most of the day cooped up in my room writing. Not necessarily for anything. I just wanted to get words out. I like being able to talk to my friends normally without having to either sign something and they not get it or me not be able to tell what their reaction is.
Days move a lot slower now. With a constant perception of time you really slow a day down in your head. I couldn’t tell you the time that just zoomed by when I was under deprivation.
So instead I see it all move really slowly.
But, I’ll continue to keep working, possibly have some fun along the way, and get to the end of interim and soon on to Japan.
26.1.10
Defeat to the hands of a heinous beast.
Monday, January 25th
So today was the faithful day that I delved into the adventure of being both blind and deaf for two days. I was actually excited to do this. I felt like I had a good grasp on both blindness and deafness and felt that I could take two days of both.
We spoke with Dr. Pittman about our paper before I went blind/deaf and then jumped right in. As I put in the earplugs Ben started putting on the eye patches. Once again, I stared at a picture of my girlfriend before I went blind as to have a wonderful image for when I went blind.
As soon as I put them on…
My mind raced. I could beat a cheetah in that moment. It wasn’t like before when the hallucinations that came from my lack of vision. They didn’t come to me a few hours later or the day after, they came almost immediately. And then on top of that later I started hearing sounds.
No I don’t mean like I heard music or I heard voices. I almost welcome that experience as opposed to what I had. No, instead I had started to experience a random cacophony of noises.
I think that was the most discomforting thing. It was the random hallucinations that I was experiencing with the addition of these crazy noises.
In all honesty, I can’t really remember what happened on Monday. It’s a really fast blur. I know that I had no perception of time. I would have thought that I was sitting on the couch for maybe around 30 minutes when it turned out to be closer to 3 hours. I vaguely remember eating lunch. I think that I had pizza.
I couldn’t tell where I was. It wasn’t like when I was just blind where I could orientate myself to the sound of the cars, the fountain, or the sound of sidewalk as opposed to street. No; this was much worse and more terrifying. It became a constant struggle to keep myself going. Somewhere in this time, I think right after lunch, my mind began racing again. This time it was combined with the strange noises and sensations that I was feeling.
I don’t know how quite to explain all the things that I was imagining. So this is the best that I’ve been able to put it.
Imagine you sitting in a dark room with one well lit table. On the table is 10 images that are moving, changing, pulsing, and won’t stop. These images range from beauty, horror, gentle, to grotesque. Wildest imagination does not do the image justice.
No imagine that all the sounds that you’ve heard in your life start screaming into your ear. Every car, person, instrument, noise… I mean everything.
There is no structure to it, there is no pattern, and there is no stopping it.
Now imagine that there are ten tables in the room with you. You begin jumping back and forth from image to image on each table without being able to take a good look at anything. You begin to jump from table to table, your body moving without you wanting it to. This booming headache that stems from all the noise that you’ve been hearing this entire time as the sounds only get louder.
Now imagine that there are ten rooms with all the same kind of tables but different images. There is no stopping yourself from moving to all of them to take a look at it all.
This is how I felt all day. I even tried going to sleep. I’m not even sure if I did sleep. I couldn’t tell the difference between me being awake and being asleep. I woke up crying because I didn’t know or could tell what was going on. My mind was everywhere at once.
I can’t really tell you what happened for the rest of the day. I know that I moved some and I got something to eat so I assume we went to Zach’s for dinner. I nearly broke down there because there were so many people around me. Some people would touch me and I wouldn’t know what to do.
I couldn’t even tell you now what I should have done. Half of the time I thought that I was being told by Ben that we were leaving only to find out that someone had patted me on the shoulder.
We went back to the room and I sat outside while David and Zach smoked. I had something to focus on for a bit but then soon lost all concept as to where I was and began going into that miasma of terror that I had experienced before. I told David that I couldn’t even imagine it as a downward spiral because at least with that you have a focal point. This is so much worse.
I broke down again. I began to cry. I didn’t know what to do. All that I knew was that I couldn’t take this again. It wasn’t getting any better and I was having issues with it happening to me over and over again. I couldn’t really handle it.
This time, it didn’t go away. It kept with me for what seemed like hours on end. Turned out to be two. Around 10:30 I had to talk to Ben. I told him that I couldn’t handle being like this because it was too stressful and I couldn’t control what was going on. I didn’t want to become scarred from an interim experiment. It’s not worth that.
He said that he understood and that he did not blame me for wanting to stop the experiment. I did feel at first like a failure for not being able to handle the situation. I took off the eye bandages and began to try and decipher my experience to David, Zach, and Ben. It was then that I noticed that practically no one would have been able to endure what I had been going through for the past 12 hours.
So no, I don’t feel like I’ve failed. I kept this on longer than I wanted to. I kept the bandages and headphones on for an extended period of time, found myself to not be able to control my behavior or time perception. This scared, frightened, and horrified me. I don’t want anyone to go what I had to go through for that.
It was in no way a pleasant experience. Even the images and sounds that I could identify and be comfortable with were scary to watch because I knew that they were images that my mind had created or fostered. Its very strange to see just what you will do when you’re without sight or hearing.
Ben tried to compare it to free writing and how instead my brain was on a free thinking cycle. Nothing hindered my thinking and so my brain went into overdrive. When I had something to focus on, such as the texture of a fabric, food, or a strange smell, I was able to somewhat control my thinking for a very short period of time. It wasn’t long before I habituated to the sensation and began “free thinking” again.
So what do I see from this? I see that loss of a sense is terrifying. It’s doable but it is so scary. I could see it being easier on people who have not had that sense since the day that they were born only on the fact that it is the only thing that they know. The physical difficulties are still there. They are still present, do not get that wrong. These amazing individuals go through the same things that we do everyday.
So, with that said, loss of both sight and sound is absolutely the scariest thing that I have ever experienced. It is the most frightening thing you can experience. Mainly because your brain tries to relive all that you’ve experienced.
I don’t know how people can do sensory deprivation chambers. My deprivation was for a fairly long time but that is so much more extreme. Who knows? Maybe one day I will decide that I need to face this monster again and take it head on. All I know is that now is not that time.
I move on to begin writing scientific and personal reports on the experiment. I’m very glad that we were coerced into keeping this blog. It has let me organize my thoughts and look back objectively on my experience. I will continue blogging over the next few days so that you all can keep up with the more scientific part of the experiment but I have to say that I’m relieved that I’m done.
I’m glad to be in good health with all of my senses. I know now that even if I were to lose one of my senses that I would still function. Nothing could stop me from that. Thank you for reading.
A small experience.
A big effect.
So today was the faithful day that I delved into the adventure of being both blind and deaf for two days. I was actually excited to do this. I felt like I had a good grasp on both blindness and deafness and felt that I could take two days of both.
We spoke with Dr. Pittman about our paper before I went blind/deaf and then jumped right in. As I put in the earplugs Ben started putting on the eye patches. Once again, I stared at a picture of my girlfriend before I went blind as to have a wonderful image for when I went blind.
As soon as I put them on…
My mind raced. I could beat a cheetah in that moment. It wasn’t like before when the hallucinations that came from my lack of vision. They didn’t come to me a few hours later or the day after, they came almost immediately. And then on top of that later I started hearing sounds.
No I don’t mean like I heard music or I heard voices. I almost welcome that experience as opposed to what I had. No, instead I had started to experience a random cacophony of noises.
I think that was the most discomforting thing. It was the random hallucinations that I was experiencing with the addition of these crazy noises.
In all honesty, I can’t really remember what happened on Monday. It’s a really fast blur. I know that I had no perception of time. I would have thought that I was sitting on the couch for maybe around 30 minutes when it turned out to be closer to 3 hours. I vaguely remember eating lunch. I think that I had pizza.
I couldn’t tell where I was. It wasn’t like when I was just blind where I could orientate myself to the sound of the cars, the fountain, or the sound of sidewalk as opposed to street. No; this was much worse and more terrifying. It became a constant struggle to keep myself going. Somewhere in this time, I think right after lunch, my mind began racing again. This time it was combined with the strange noises and sensations that I was feeling.
I don’t know how quite to explain all the things that I was imagining. So this is the best that I’ve been able to put it.
Imagine you sitting in a dark room with one well lit table. On the table is 10 images that are moving, changing, pulsing, and won’t stop. These images range from beauty, horror, gentle, to grotesque. Wildest imagination does not do the image justice.
No imagine that all the sounds that you’ve heard in your life start screaming into your ear. Every car, person, instrument, noise… I mean everything.
There is no structure to it, there is no pattern, and there is no stopping it.
Now imagine that there are ten tables in the room with you. You begin jumping back and forth from image to image on each table without being able to take a good look at anything. You begin to jump from table to table, your body moving without you wanting it to. This booming headache that stems from all the noise that you’ve been hearing this entire time as the sounds only get louder.
Now imagine that there are ten rooms with all the same kind of tables but different images. There is no stopping yourself from moving to all of them to take a look at it all.
This is how I felt all day. I even tried going to sleep. I’m not even sure if I did sleep. I couldn’t tell the difference between me being awake and being asleep. I woke up crying because I didn’t know or could tell what was going on. My mind was everywhere at once.
I can’t really tell you what happened for the rest of the day. I know that I moved some and I got something to eat so I assume we went to Zach’s for dinner. I nearly broke down there because there were so many people around me. Some people would touch me and I wouldn’t know what to do.
I couldn’t even tell you now what I should have done. Half of the time I thought that I was being told by Ben that we were leaving only to find out that someone had patted me on the shoulder.
We went back to the room and I sat outside while David and Zach smoked. I had something to focus on for a bit but then soon lost all concept as to where I was and began going into that miasma of terror that I had experienced before. I told David that I couldn’t even imagine it as a downward spiral because at least with that you have a focal point. This is so much worse.
I broke down again. I began to cry. I didn’t know what to do. All that I knew was that I couldn’t take this again. It wasn’t getting any better and I was having issues with it happening to me over and over again. I couldn’t really handle it.
This time, it didn’t go away. It kept with me for what seemed like hours on end. Turned out to be two. Around 10:30 I had to talk to Ben. I told him that I couldn’t handle being like this because it was too stressful and I couldn’t control what was going on. I didn’t want to become scarred from an interim experiment. It’s not worth that.
He said that he understood and that he did not blame me for wanting to stop the experiment. I did feel at first like a failure for not being able to handle the situation. I took off the eye bandages and began to try and decipher my experience to David, Zach, and Ben. It was then that I noticed that practically no one would have been able to endure what I had been going through for the past 12 hours.
So no, I don’t feel like I’ve failed. I kept this on longer than I wanted to. I kept the bandages and headphones on for an extended period of time, found myself to not be able to control my behavior or time perception. This scared, frightened, and horrified me. I don’t want anyone to go what I had to go through for that.
It was in no way a pleasant experience. Even the images and sounds that I could identify and be comfortable with were scary to watch because I knew that they were images that my mind had created or fostered. Its very strange to see just what you will do when you’re without sight or hearing.
Ben tried to compare it to free writing and how instead my brain was on a free thinking cycle. Nothing hindered my thinking and so my brain went into overdrive. When I had something to focus on, such as the texture of a fabric, food, or a strange smell, I was able to somewhat control my thinking for a very short period of time. It wasn’t long before I habituated to the sensation and began “free thinking” again.
So what do I see from this? I see that loss of a sense is terrifying. It’s doable but it is so scary. I could see it being easier on people who have not had that sense since the day that they were born only on the fact that it is the only thing that they know. The physical difficulties are still there. They are still present, do not get that wrong. These amazing individuals go through the same things that we do everyday.
So, with that said, loss of both sight and sound is absolutely the scariest thing that I have ever experienced. It is the most frightening thing you can experience. Mainly because your brain tries to relive all that you’ve experienced.
I don’t know how people can do sensory deprivation chambers. My deprivation was for a fairly long time but that is so much more extreme. Who knows? Maybe one day I will decide that I need to face this monster again and take it head on. All I know is that now is not that time.
I move on to begin writing scientific and personal reports on the experiment. I’m very glad that we were coerced into keeping this blog. It has let me organize my thoughts and look back objectively on my experience. I will continue blogging over the next few days so that you all can keep up with the more scientific part of the experiment but I have to say that I’m relieved that I’m done.
I’m glad to be in good health with all of my senses. I know now that even if I were to lose one of my senses that I would still function. Nothing could stop me from that. Thank you for reading.
A small experience.
A big effect.
25.1.10
P.S. When people ask you what superpower you want. Never choose super hearing... trust me.
Friday, Jan 22nd
So this was it. The last day that I would have to go without wearing these incredibly uncomfortable headphones and earplugs.
Just like last week, I can’t tell if I’m ready to let this go. I can’t tell what its going to be like afterwards. I’ve learned so much this week and I’m sure that all of you can tell that I do not want to stop. It has become comforting to really play a larger part in my own thoughts. To really be able to look inside.
So why stop now? I think a lot of you would tell me the same. I said in my last blog that we can do anything that we put our mind to. Well, I believe that now more than ever. I know that even though I’ll be taking off these headphones that I am a better person because I’ve learned that lesson.
So no, I won’t stop looking into myself. I won’t stop figuring out me. I won’t stop loving the person who I am nor will I do anything that would stop me from doing that. I’ve gotten to know people around me so much better and I’ve gotten to know how interactions should really take place.
Who knows what difference this experiment will make in 15 years to me? No one really. But I can say that it really has had a profound impact on me here and now. This project has inspired me to continue my career in hopes that I can help children and people who are disabled by deafness.
I’m not really sure what to say. I don’t know what people want out of this. It starts to get to one of those things that no one can really explain. You just have to experience it for yourself. I know that it seems crazy to do this; but I’m just a little bit crazy.
No, I still honestly have not experienced what it is like to be completely deaf. Just how I haven’t truly experienced what its like to be completely blind. I had the comfort of knowing that at the end of the week that I was done.
I like that people have been reading this to try and get some insight as to what it is like to be blind or to be deaf. Don’t.
You don’t need me to get that experience. Every single one of you that are reading this are capable and intelligent and you do have the capacity to ask yourself honestly how your life would change.
“I couldn’t imagine not being able to see my daughter’s face… I don’t know what I would do without music… I don’t know what would happen if I couldn’t read my favorite books… I don’t know how I would survive not being able to talk… I don’t see how you did it… I don’t see how you could do it… I can’t imagine what possessed you to do this…”
Truthfully, I can’t either. I like to think it’s because I wanted to have some glimpse as to what it was like to be blind or deaf. I know that’s not the full story but again, it’s one of those things that you can’t really explain.
So, for science, for humanity, for sanity.
Who cares. I enjoyed it. I really did. I loved having put myself to this test. I love having gone through my life and knowing that I can survive with this. I love the fact that I faced pretty big odds against me. I love that people didn’t think that this could work. I loved laughing in the face of people who doubted.
Because honestly. I never did. I knew walking into this that thousands upon thousands of people go through what I have done each and every single day.
So I walk away knowing not to doubt myself. I walk away from these two weeks wanting to help the people with disabilities who do not feel comfortable enough with their disability. I want to be there for the people who have been given this disability because who knows if anyone else will be? I know there are wonderful people out there who would give up everything that they have to be able to give something to these people with disabilities.
The teachers at the School for the Deaf and Blind are some of those people.
Students who have made a point to learn sign language or proper practices around blind people are some of those people.
Disabled individuals who make an effort to teach those who honestly have no idea. I know that I didn’t have any idea what to do and I was given a ton of help.
It’s the teachers that would go out of their way to ensure that the child gets everything that they need to finish their schooling.
It’s the lunch people who can still make you laugh even though you can’t hear them.
It’s the people who are courteous enough to hold the door open.
It’s the people who say hi even though they don’t understand how to do it properly.
It’s the people who still extend their hand to give you a handshake rather than not go through that because they feel awkward.
It’s the people who care and learn to adapt when something like vision or hearing changes.
I just thank these people. Its because of these kinds of people, which would take even longer to accurately describe, that I feel comfortable being in our world.
It’s not done. I know its not. I still have two days of being both blind and deaf. And yes, I know it will be hell. I’m ready for it. I feel comfortable around my friends, my community, my loved ones, and even strangers to walk into this with a smile on my face.
This has been an exciting adventure so far. I’m glad that I have gotten to spend this time with Ben. I think that our friendship has really grown over this. You never know how much you can trust a friend till you put your life in their hands. He has been great, patient, and trustworthy and I couldn’t have asked for a better partner.
I took the earmuffs off this afternoon to find that I had crisp hearing. I could even tell when there were walls in front of me. I could approximate how far away they were. I could really hear. I mean REALLY hear for the first time in a long time.
I heard the birds.
Bright as the morning sun they sang.
Their calls like notes being plucked at a mandolin.
I love our world. I love the people in it. I love the sight. I love the sound. I love that we are capable of appreciating its ups and downs.
I love that everything around us can have beauty.
So this was it. The last day that I would have to go without wearing these incredibly uncomfortable headphones and earplugs.
Just like last week, I can’t tell if I’m ready to let this go. I can’t tell what its going to be like afterwards. I’ve learned so much this week and I’m sure that all of you can tell that I do not want to stop. It has become comforting to really play a larger part in my own thoughts. To really be able to look inside.
So why stop now? I think a lot of you would tell me the same. I said in my last blog that we can do anything that we put our mind to. Well, I believe that now more than ever. I know that even though I’ll be taking off these headphones that I am a better person because I’ve learned that lesson.
So no, I won’t stop looking into myself. I won’t stop figuring out me. I won’t stop loving the person who I am nor will I do anything that would stop me from doing that. I’ve gotten to know people around me so much better and I’ve gotten to know how interactions should really take place.
Who knows what difference this experiment will make in 15 years to me? No one really. But I can say that it really has had a profound impact on me here and now. This project has inspired me to continue my career in hopes that I can help children and people who are disabled by deafness.
I’m not really sure what to say. I don’t know what people want out of this. It starts to get to one of those things that no one can really explain. You just have to experience it for yourself. I know that it seems crazy to do this; but I’m just a little bit crazy.
No, I still honestly have not experienced what it is like to be completely deaf. Just how I haven’t truly experienced what its like to be completely blind. I had the comfort of knowing that at the end of the week that I was done.
I like that people have been reading this to try and get some insight as to what it is like to be blind or to be deaf. Don’t.
You don’t need me to get that experience. Every single one of you that are reading this are capable and intelligent and you do have the capacity to ask yourself honestly how your life would change.
“I couldn’t imagine not being able to see my daughter’s face… I don’t know what I would do without music… I don’t know what would happen if I couldn’t read my favorite books… I don’t know how I would survive not being able to talk… I don’t see how you did it… I don’t see how you could do it… I can’t imagine what possessed you to do this…”
Truthfully, I can’t either. I like to think it’s because I wanted to have some glimpse as to what it was like to be blind or deaf. I know that’s not the full story but again, it’s one of those things that you can’t really explain.
So, for science, for humanity, for sanity.
Who cares. I enjoyed it. I really did. I loved having put myself to this test. I love having gone through my life and knowing that I can survive with this. I love the fact that I faced pretty big odds against me. I love that people didn’t think that this could work. I loved laughing in the face of people who doubted.
Because honestly. I never did. I knew walking into this that thousands upon thousands of people go through what I have done each and every single day.
So I walk away knowing not to doubt myself. I walk away from these two weeks wanting to help the people with disabilities who do not feel comfortable enough with their disability. I want to be there for the people who have been given this disability because who knows if anyone else will be? I know there are wonderful people out there who would give up everything that they have to be able to give something to these people with disabilities.
The teachers at the School for the Deaf and Blind are some of those people.
Students who have made a point to learn sign language or proper practices around blind people are some of those people.
Disabled individuals who make an effort to teach those who honestly have no idea. I know that I didn’t have any idea what to do and I was given a ton of help.
It’s the teachers that would go out of their way to ensure that the child gets everything that they need to finish their schooling.
It’s the lunch people who can still make you laugh even though you can’t hear them.
It’s the people who are courteous enough to hold the door open.
It’s the people who say hi even though they don’t understand how to do it properly.
It’s the people who still extend their hand to give you a handshake rather than not go through that because they feel awkward.
It’s the people who care and learn to adapt when something like vision or hearing changes.
I just thank these people. Its because of these kinds of people, which would take even longer to accurately describe, that I feel comfortable being in our world.
It’s not done. I know its not. I still have two days of being both blind and deaf. And yes, I know it will be hell. I’m ready for it. I feel comfortable around my friends, my community, my loved ones, and even strangers to walk into this with a smile on my face.
This has been an exciting adventure so far. I’m glad that I have gotten to spend this time with Ben. I think that our friendship has really grown over this. You never know how much you can trust a friend till you put your life in their hands. He has been great, patient, and trustworthy and I couldn’t have asked for a better partner.
I took the earmuffs off this afternoon to find that I had crisp hearing. I could even tell when there were walls in front of me. I could approximate how far away they were. I could really hear. I mean REALLY hear for the first time in a long time.
I heard the birds.
Bright as the morning sun they sang.
Their calls like notes being plucked at a mandolin.
I love our world. I love the people in it. I love the sight. I love the sound. I love that we are capable of appreciating its ups and downs.
I love that everything around us can have beauty.
24.1.10
Moderation is a hassle when all you have is a can of tuna.
Thursday, Jan 21st
Alright, everyone just stop. Literally stop whatever you are doing and just read this.
What would you do without your hearing? What would be different? How would you be a different person?
Just let that sit in your head for a bit. Do you really have any idea how you would change your life in a split second because you have gone deaf? What would change?
You can’t hear a knock at the door.
You can’t hear the sounds of cars behind you.
You can’t even tell when your best friend is calling your name.
You can’t even tell when someone leaves if you’re not looking at them.
Think about how this would change your perception of life. I feel as though I have gotten a small hint as to what it would be like. Again, as most of you know I can still hear some things. I still have the ability to somehow, someway, through someone tell what is going on.
Just imagine the lost of comfort you would have. The loss of ability. The frustration from not being able to do all the things that you truly love. I know that if my step-mom had lost her hearing she would be very frustrated with subtitles on the television (She hates it when I put them on).
So what would be your things? What would be the things that you wouldn’t be able to enjoy? What would change in your life as you perceive as the worst?
Now think about those things. Really think about them. Think about how many handicapped people enjoy the same things that you do each and every single day. Think about how even though they do have a handicap they still manage to enjoy the same activities that you do everyday.
It’s not the end of the world. It’s not as bad as you think. It’s like everything else in life. All that it requires is that you take it slow, have patience, and really just think about what is special to you.
Deaf people create music. Blind people paint art.
Deaf people are public speakers. Blind people travel the world.
Deaf people are bird watchers. Blind people are long distance runners.
Deaf people are able. Blind people are able.
No matter the action, you can be able too.
I woke up this morning thinking about this. That’s why it’s on my mind. I like that fact that handicapped people do thrive in a world that is majority non-handicapped. I’ve learned this week that yes, I do have a handicap, but I also do understand that I can still do anything that I want.
Why do we let anything in our way stop us? Handicapped or not we should be able to do anything that we put our minds to. There really is never a point where something outside our own willpower can stop us. It is really just yourself that holds you back.
I never thought that I would be able to hold a groove without being able to hear.
I was wrong.
I never thought that I would be able to take photos when I was blind.
I was wrong.
I never thought that a handicap would allow me to really experience the world for what it is.
I was wrong.
I know that half of you think that I’m crazy for doing this. Most everyone I know claims that they would not be able to do it. They would not be able to handle an entire week of this craziness.
I think they’re all wrong.
It’s amazing the adaptation of the human psyche. It is amazing how the body can react to small to large changes to itself. It’s amazing how one person’s will can be tested by something so little as watching a movie.
I felt good today. I felt like I knew what was going on around me and I felt like I could operate on my own. It’s a good feeling. It has made me really understand myself.
My limitations too. In all honesty, we all really do not have any. We can do anything that we put our mind to.
That’s always one of those cheesy statements that a public official loves to say to please the crowd, I know, but it really is true. I don’t think that they really know its true, but trust me; a person who has gone through the two most grueling weeks of his life, that it is.
I don’t really have much to say on our actual experiment. I’m doing my best to not look at the data to compare. I don’t know if I want to know. I really do understand now researchers and their desire to see a good outcome on their research. Sure, I have done a few experiments, but just for class when the only reason I wanted to get the right data was so that I could get a good grade.
This is a little different. This is ours. Ben’s and my creation. What do we do if it doesn’t come out the way we planned? I just really hope that we showing some significant data. I don’t really care which way it comes out but I’d like to think that Ben is getting something great out of this. I purposefully have not been reading his blog because I want to read them all at the end. I can’t really say if he’s doing the same for me but he hasn’t approached me about any of it so I assume he has the same mentality I have.
Nothing that exciting happened today. It was a lot of milling over my life in my head. A lot of contemplation. A lot of assessment of who I am and what I’m doing. And the strange thing is….
I feel secure.
I really like where I am. I like what I’m doing. I really love who I am. Sure, there are a few things that I’d like to change but overall I’m really happy with Stephyn Duck. I’m really happy to have come from the life I have had and I’m really happy with the way that I am going. I feel secure in the place that I’m at and I love the people that I have surrounded myself with.
It’s very easy to be upset at yourself. It’s very easy to be upset at a person you love. It’s very easy to be frustrated with what the world throws at you.
It’s hard to be yourself. But it’s worth it.
Just really look into yourself. Not everyone needs a week of silence, deafness, or blindness to be able to show them who they are. That’s just my vehicle.
Find yours.
Alright, everyone just stop. Literally stop whatever you are doing and just read this.
What would you do without your hearing? What would be different? How would you be a different person?
Just let that sit in your head for a bit. Do you really have any idea how you would change your life in a split second because you have gone deaf? What would change?
You can’t hear a knock at the door.
You can’t hear the sounds of cars behind you.
You can’t even tell when your best friend is calling your name.
You can’t even tell when someone leaves if you’re not looking at them.
Think about how this would change your perception of life. I feel as though I have gotten a small hint as to what it would be like. Again, as most of you know I can still hear some things. I still have the ability to somehow, someway, through someone tell what is going on.
Just imagine the lost of comfort you would have. The loss of ability. The frustration from not being able to do all the things that you truly love. I know that if my step-mom had lost her hearing she would be very frustrated with subtitles on the television (She hates it when I put them on).
So what would be your things? What would be the things that you wouldn’t be able to enjoy? What would change in your life as you perceive as the worst?
Now think about those things. Really think about them. Think about how many handicapped people enjoy the same things that you do each and every single day. Think about how even though they do have a handicap they still manage to enjoy the same activities that you do everyday.
It’s not the end of the world. It’s not as bad as you think. It’s like everything else in life. All that it requires is that you take it slow, have patience, and really just think about what is special to you.
Deaf people create music. Blind people paint art.
Deaf people are public speakers. Blind people travel the world.
Deaf people are bird watchers. Blind people are long distance runners.
Deaf people are able. Blind people are able.
No matter the action, you can be able too.
I woke up this morning thinking about this. That’s why it’s on my mind. I like that fact that handicapped people do thrive in a world that is majority non-handicapped. I’ve learned this week that yes, I do have a handicap, but I also do understand that I can still do anything that I want.
Why do we let anything in our way stop us? Handicapped or not we should be able to do anything that we put our minds to. There really is never a point where something outside our own willpower can stop us. It is really just yourself that holds you back.
I never thought that I would be able to hold a groove without being able to hear.
I was wrong.
I never thought that I would be able to take photos when I was blind.
I was wrong.
I never thought that a handicap would allow me to really experience the world for what it is.
I was wrong.
I know that half of you think that I’m crazy for doing this. Most everyone I know claims that they would not be able to do it. They would not be able to handle an entire week of this craziness.
I think they’re all wrong.
It’s amazing the adaptation of the human psyche. It is amazing how the body can react to small to large changes to itself. It’s amazing how one person’s will can be tested by something so little as watching a movie.
I felt good today. I felt like I knew what was going on around me and I felt like I could operate on my own. It’s a good feeling. It has made me really understand myself.
My limitations too. In all honesty, we all really do not have any. We can do anything that we put our mind to.
That’s always one of those cheesy statements that a public official loves to say to please the crowd, I know, but it really is true. I don’t think that they really know its true, but trust me; a person who has gone through the two most grueling weeks of his life, that it is.
I don’t really have much to say on our actual experiment. I’m doing my best to not look at the data to compare. I don’t know if I want to know. I really do understand now researchers and their desire to see a good outcome on their research. Sure, I have done a few experiments, but just for class when the only reason I wanted to get the right data was so that I could get a good grade.
This is a little different. This is ours. Ben’s and my creation. What do we do if it doesn’t come out the way we planned? I just really hope that we showing some significant data. I don’t really care which way it comes out but I’d like to think that Ben is getting something great out of this. I purposefully have not been reading his blog because I want to read them all at the end. I can’t really say if he’s doing the same for me but he hasn’t approached me about any of it so I assume he has the same mentality I have.
Nothing that exciting happened today. It was a lot of milling over my life in my head. A lot of contemplation. A lot of assessment of who I am and what I’m doing. And the strange thing is….
I feel secure.
I really like where I am. I like what I’m doing. I really love who I am. Sure, there are a few things that I’d like to change but overall I’m really happy with Stephyn Duck. I’m really happy to have come from the life I have had and I’m really happy with the way that I am going. I feel secure in the place that I’m at and I love the people that I have surrounded myself with.
It’s very easy to be upset at yourself. It’s very easy to be upset at a person you love. It’s very easy to be frustrated with what the world throws at you.
It’s hard to be yourself. But it’s worth it.
Just really look into yourself. Not everyone needs a week of silence, deafness, or blindness to be able to show them who they are. That’s just my vehicle.
Find yours.
21.1.10
Walkin on an on ramp down an interstate bridge. Got nothing in my pockets but a cigar and a pick.
Wednesday, January 20st
Today was pretty normal to begin with. Nothing was out of the ordinary. Nothing had anything to take note of. I woke up at whatever time that I wanted to, lounged around in my room for a bit, and then went to lunch. It wasn’t till I was on my way there that I noticed something.
I couldn’t hear the birds.
A lot of people don’t/ can’t really understand why this upsets me. But I love to listen to the birds around lunch time. I love when I’m walking to see all the birds fly from one tree to another. I could still watch them… but I couldn’t hear them.
This was really discomforting. I didn’t know how to fix it. I mean I know I said before how a laugh at the table that I see and I don’t know what the joke is really frustrated me but this was just downright worrisome. Maybe it’s easier for people who have never had their hearing. I can’t imagine trying to go through all of this with not knowing if I’d be able to hear soon.
It kind of put me into a funk all day. I tried to think about all of the things that deaf people could miss out on, besides the big ones like music and etc. or the other kinds of challenges that I would have. As I was going through the lunch line at Zach’s I realized one. If I was at a place that I had no means of pointing to the food I would not be able to order what I wanted unless I had someway to write it. I realized that’s kind of degrading.
I mean, no matter where a deaf/mute person goes they are very unlikely to have someone there who can sign with them. It’s not like a person who doesn’t know the language in a foreign country. Because usually they can go back to a place that the majority speaks the same language as them. Deaf people, on the other hand, live in our towns. They live in the same place we do. Their home is where most people do not understand sign language. The same sandwich shop that they go might have a person there who can sign and they get the right order, or they might not.
It just always seems like a gamble. I kept contemplating on this when all of a sudden there was a bright LED flashlight in my eyes. Dwayne, one of our campus safety officers, was messing with a girl on the basketball team and was trying to get her attention.
This made me think of a deaf person trying to interact with law enforcement officials. I mean, how is the person supposed to be able to follow directions, answer justly, or even know what is going on unless the cop just so happens to sign? What if he doesn’t? What do you do then?
This is why I really want to start something here at Wofford for more of disabilities awareness… class, seminar, I don’t know. My fraternity, Pi Kappa Phi, already has a philanthropy organization called Push America which is used to raise awareness for people with disabilities.
Perhaps I’ll look into talking to our organization. It just is kind of upsetting to see that Wofford would have no means to accommodate to a disabled person. Half of the buildings you cannot get into, and even if you can it become incredibly difficult to move around. It’s also been very strange to see the reactions of people who have never been around a disabled person too. For that matter, most of Wofford has not. People drag me around, snap in my face, wave a burger in my face, or put things directly in my mouth. I’d like for people to know how to act around people with disabilities rather than either one; be awkward, or two; do things that are completely wrong.
Tests were a little different today. Ben and I had noticed that one of the false positives that I have been having could also be a false negative. We decided that we had to adjust our testing format because without doing so we would have been compiling faulty data. We discussed the false positive/negative and decided it would be best to watch it and mark it in case it shows up again in a pattern.
We moved on through our day. I decided it would be best to return to my room and continue reading. Instead, I got distracted by trying to see what were the actual signs for the slang signing that we’ve been doing. In order to educate both Ben and myself I continued for quite a few many hours. I learned a bit of basic vocabulary and have corrected myself on words that we didn’t have the proper teaching for. This was a pretty easy change with Ben because we were able to change it fairly quickly since we just started yesterday.
We both get frustrated because I keep trying to sign how our slang sign is not right and the real word is “This”. He keeps missing it because I’m not able to portray my thoughts easily. This made me think about how deaf people must feel when they are trying to display complex ideas. I think that I would just give up on trying to sign it and simply write it down.
But then comes the idea of a debate of sorts. Ben and I get into debates over philosophy many a times and I wonder how that would go if I was completely deaf but knew sign fairly well. Would I give up and simply go to typing up a document, and then handing it to him while I wait for one back? Probably not.
So instead I’ll keep trying to educate myself so that whenever I meet someone who can only speak through sign I will not embarrass them or disgrace them by not knowing how to sign.
So that’s more or less been how my day has gone. A mixed emotion of wanting to learn sign but wondering how even learning it will help a deaf person in the long run. So what do we do? How do we help this situation? Do we place materials over all of campus in the happenstance that a blind or deaf person happens to visit/go to our college? Or do we wait, ask them what they would like once they get her, and provide for them? It seems like doing something beforehand would be more appropriate.
Anyways, that’s my tirade. I’ll jump off my soapbox of thought and let you mill that over in your head for a bit.
Live long, love life, big time.
Today was pretty normal to begin with. Nothing was out of the ordinary. Nothing had anything to take note of. I woke up at whatever time that I wanted to, lounged around in my room for a bit, and then went to lunch. It wasn’t till I was on my way there that I noticed something.
I couldn’t hear the birds.
A lot of people don’t/ can’t really understand why this upsets me. But I love to listen to the birds around lunch time. I love when I’m walking to see all the birds fly from one tree to another. I could still watch them… but I couldn’t hear them.
This was really discomforting. I didn’t know how to fix it. I mean I know I said before how a laugh at the table that I see and I don’t know what the joke is really frustrated me but this was just downright worrisome. Maybe it’s easier for people who have never had their hearing. I can’t imagine trying to go through all of this with not knowing if I’d be able to hear soon.
It kind of put me into a funk all day. I tried to think about all of the things that deaf people could miss out on, besides the big ones like music and etc. or the other kinds of challenges that I would have. As I was going through the lunch line at Zach’s I realized one. If I was at a place that I had no means of pointing to the food I would not be able to order what I wanted unless I had someway to write it. I realized that’s kind of degrading.
I mean, no matter where a deaf/mute person goes they are very unlikely to have someone there who can sign with them. It’s not like a person who doesn’t know the language in a foreign country. Because usually they can go back to a place that the majority speaks the same language as them. Deaf people, on the other hand, live in our towns. They live in the same place we do. Their home is where most people do not understand sign language. The same sandwich shop that they go might have a person there who can sign and they get the right order, or they might not.
It just always seems like a gamble. I kept contemplating on this when all of a sudden there was a bright LED flashlight in my eyes. Dwayne, one of our campus safety officers, was messing with a girl on the basketball team and was trying to get her attention.
This made me think of a deaf person trying to interact with law enforcement officials. I mean, how is the person supposed to be able to follow directions, answer justly, or even know what is going on unless the cop just so happens to sign? What if he doesn’t? What do you do then?
This is why I really want to start something here at Wofford for more of disabilities awareness… class, seminar, I don’t know. My fraternity, Pi Kappa Phi, already has a philanthropy organization called Push America which is used to raise awareness for people with disabilities.
Perhaps I’ll look into talking to our organization. It just is kind of upsetting to see that Wofford would have no means to accommodate to a disabled person. Half of the buildings you cannot get into, and even if you can it become incredibly difficult to move around. It’s also been very strange to see the reactions of people who have never been around a disabled person too. For that matter, most of Wofford has not. People drag me around, snap in my face, wave a burger in my face, or put things directly in my mouth. I’d like for people to know how to act around people with disabilities rather than either one; be awkward, or two; do things that are completely wrong.
Tests were a little different today. Ben and I had noticed that one of the false positives that I have been having could also be a false negative. We decided that we had to adjust our testing format because without doing so we would have been compiling faulty data. We discussed the false positive/negative and decided it would be best to watch it and mark it in case it shows up again in a pattern.
We moved on through our day. I decided it would be best to return to my room and continue reading. Instead, I got distracted by trying to see what were the actual signs for the slang signing that we’ve been doing. In order to educate both Ben and myself I continued for quite a few many hours. I learned a bit of basic vocabulary and have corrected myself on words that we didn’t have the proper teaching for. This was a pretty easy change with Ben because we were able to change it fairly quickly since we just started yesterday.
We both get frustrated because I keep trying to sign how our slang sign is not right and the real word is “This”. He keeps missing it because I’m not able to portray my thoughts easily. This made me think about how deaf people must feel when they are trying to display complex ideas. I think that I would just give up on trying to sign it and simply write it down.
But then comes the idea of a debate of sorts. Ben and I get into debates over philosophy many a times and I wonder how that would go if I was completely deaf but knew sign fairly well. Would I give up and simply go to typing up a document, and then handing it to him while I wait for one back? Probably not.
So instead I’ll keep trying to educate myself so that whenever I meet someone who can only speak through sign I will not embarrass them or disgrace them by not knowing how to sign.
So that’s more or less been how my day has gone. A mixed emotion of wanting to learn sign but wondering how even learning it will help a deaf person in the long run. So what do we do? How do we help this situation? Do we place materials over all of campus in the happenstance that a blind or deaf person happens to visit/go to our college? Or do we wait, ask them what they would like once they get her, and provide for them? It seems like doing something beforehand would be more appropriate.
Anyways, that’s my tirade. I’ll jump off my soapbox of thought and let you mill that over in your head for a bit.
Live long, love life, big time.
20.1.10
Not saying goodnight, Just sayin.
Tuesday, January 19th
So today was the first day that I woke up deaf. It was awkward having the headphones on all night but I lasted through it and the alarm was so blaring that I’m pretty sure it woke David up next door. Oh well. Sorry buddy if it did. I took a quick shower and got dressed because today is the day we get to go see the opposite side of the School for the Deaf and the Blind.
As some recall, we went to the school for the blind students last week before I put on the blinding apparatus. As I said before, I wasn’t very impressed with the quality of the school look wise. I’m positive that the teachers are wonderful and provide the children with what they need but the school could look better.
Instead of heading to the Blind school we went instead to the Deaf school, which is located near the front entrance. Already from the beginning I could tell that this building was in better shape. Probably because the students actually saw it everyday. It was very stimulation for the sight. Lots of colors, art, and motivational posters were strewn across the walls and the classroom.
We met with the… I’m not sure actually. I assumed Principal but I couldn’t really hear if she was because I had already put on my sound reducing equipment. Ben and I explained our project to the best of our ability to her and explained what we hoped to get out of our visit there. She was very helpful. I could tell that the students liked her very much and she took a much more hands on approach to advising the children. She knew each child’s name and seemed to be involved very much in their life. I wish that I could have gone to a smaller school so that I could have had a leader like that.
She took us through the school hallways and eventually led us to classrooms. It was really neat! I enjoyed seeing the kids at work and play. They were very playful, just like the blind children, and seemed to communicate well with one another. I wanted to join in on their communication but alas, I was still without sign language. It was fascinating to watch them talk to one another. So quick and fluid with practically no mistakes. At least none that wouldn’t allow the child to keep a conversation going at all times.
We asked a few questions of the principal like “How does being deaf affect their home life?” She talked about how some of the students actually come from deaf families and so they have no problem communicating either at home or in school. These children don’t have many behavior issues because they know how to express their emotions well. Then she said something that really shocked me.
“A lot of these kids parents don’t even learn sign. They just try and yell to them what they want them to do to communicate.”
I was appalled. I won’t “jump on a soapbox” as Ben put it and instead let you read his summation of it at escapingthedark-caring.blogspot.com but it really surprised me that parents wouldn’t learn it. I have no connection or relation to a deaf person and I still want to learn sign for the sake of being able to communicate with a large population in our society. I hope those parents that do not learn sign will reconsider learning it; who would not want to be able to communicate effectively with their child?
We headed through the classrooms and finally one of the kids looked at me really strange and asked why I was wearing headphones and looking funny. The principal asked if I wanted to explain… I couldn’t sign. I had no way to tell the child why I was like this. I looked at Ben in a pleading manner and hoped he would explain for me. Fortunately, he did. He asked the principal if she could translate for him and afterwards began to go off on a elementary explanation of our experiment. He started talking about why I was wearing the headphones; that I wanted to see what it is like to be deaf like them. They all smiled and then said some sign to me. I looked at them helpless. The principal took the opportunity to explain how wonderful it is that they be taught sign because then they would have no way to communicate if they didn’t. The kids stared wide eyed at me and I just shrugged.
Ben went on to talk about how the week before I had gone blind and the kids didn’t know what to say. One of the kids said to the teacher how he couldn’t imagine doing that. He wouldn’t know what to do if he didn’t have his sight. I laughed on the inside.
He wouldn’t know what to do without his sight. I wouldn’t know what to do without my hearing. Yet he does just fine. And I did just fine last week. You never really know I guess until you have lost it.
We said goodbye to the kids and returned downstairs to the principal’s office. She asked us if we had anymore questions. Ben and I asked her if she would go through the signing alphabet with us to make sure that we had the at least the smallest amount of knowledge for communication. She also went through some words that would help us throughout the day such as bathroom, I don’t know, sign, science, building, thank you, no, and a few other small ones. This got Ben and I excited.
We left trying to talk to each other with the limited amount of words that we knew. We have very little to talk about so we basically just practiced what we knew. Somehow we got it to where he knew I didn’t mind going to the mall and we headed off. We began to roam the mall and trying to keep talking up.
We decided that if we didn’t know real sign, we would make a slang of our own. We began to tie signs to words. Things that I would constantly need to say I would express that that word, by spelling it, is represented by this sign. Ben caught on and began to work with it, coming up with some of his own. We soon were talking and joking and having a great time.
I couldn’t believe it. I knew that if I actually met a deaf person that I couldn’t communicate and I knew that no one else would be able to catch on but I had an outlet. I had the ability to speak without actually speaking. I felt good and comforted. I felt like I could get through this challenge fairly easily now.
We continued to laugh and joke as we walked the mall and came up with some new words. We finally left to go see Ben’s mom for lunch. We had a good time. Talked about a bunch of different things. She did her best to communicate with me over good pizza and delicious salad.
We left after an hour or two to head back to the school. We went through our testing and continued to come up with more signs just so that we could talk easier. I made the comment that “If we actually take sign classes then we won’t be able to learn because we’ve come up with so much slang already.” Ben thought that this was hilarious and agreed with me.
It was good to be able to express my thoughts through Ben, especially when I had to talk about stuff that matters; like say work study money for example. I could not have imagined if I didn’t have some way to communicate and it was at that point that I realized how frustrating being deaf in our world could be. Imagine if you could no speak; not even the speech we associate with deaf people. Sure, you learn sign, but if the other person does not know it you are forced to pantomime and have simple conversations if any at all.
That’s why I want to learn sign. So I don’t have to have that happen to any person that I talk to that may be deaf. I mean, I know if I say that I should try to learn all languages, and trust me; I would if I could, but I can use this on an everyday basis, and hopefully in my career.
Tests went well. It’s a lot different than when I’m blind. Instead, I have to really focus because I have my vision. You tend to rely on that a lot. But when it comes down to focusing on whether or not the liquid has a tiny tiny tiny tiny TINY amount of bitter in it or sweet… it gets a little difficult.
The night went smooth. We both worked a bit on papers and whatnot while I also got to skype with my girlfriend. I did my best to show her the sign we had been working on and explain to her via AIM what I was trying to say.
So far, it’s been really exciting. I mean, I don’t get to eat amazing food everyday no matter how mundane Burwell food is, but I really enjoy it. I can’t wait to continue through the next few days and I will be looking into signing lessons for sure.
So today was the first day that I woke up deaf. It was awkward having the headphones on all night but I lasted through it and the alarm was so blaring that I’m pretty sure it woke David up next door. Oh well. Sorry buddy if it did. I took a quick shower and got dressed because today is the day we get to go see the opposite side of the School for the Deaf and the Blind.
As some recall, we went to the school for the blind students last week before I put on the blinding apparatus. As I said before, I wasn’t very impressed with the quality of the school look wise. I’m positive that the teachers are wonderful and provide the children with what they need but the school could look better.
Instead of heading to the Blind school we went instead to the Deaf school, which is located near the front entrance. Already from the beginning I could tell that this building was in better shape. Probably because the students actually saw it everyday. It was very stimulation for the sight. Lots of colors, art, and motivational posters were strewn across the walls and the classroom.
We met with the… I’m not sure actually. I assumed Principal but I couldn’t really hear if she was because I had already put on my sound reducing equipment. Ben and I explained our project to the best of our ability to her and explained what we hoped to get out of our visit there. She was very helpful. I could tell that the students liked her very much and she took a much more hands on approach to advising the children. She knew each child’s name and seemed to be involved very much in their life. I wish that I could have gone to a smaller school so that I could have had a leader like that.
She took us through the school hallways and eventually led us to classrooms. It was really neat! I enjoyed seeing the kids at work and play. They were very playful, just like the blind children, and seemed to communicate well with one another. I wanted to join in on their communication but alas, I was still without sign language. It was fascinating to watch them talk to one another. So quick and fluid with practically no mistakes. At least none that wouldn’t allow the child to keep a conversation going at all times.
We asked a few questions of the principal like “How does being deaf affect their home life?” She talked about how some of the students actually come from deaf families and so they have no problem communicating either at home or in school. These children don’t have many behavior issues because they know how to express their emotions well. Then she said something that really shocked me.
“A lot of these kids parents don’t even learn sign. They just try and yell to them what they want them to do to communicate.”
I was appalled. I won’t “jump on a soapbox” as Ben put it and instead let you read his summation of it at escapingthedark-caring.blogspot.com but it really surprised me that parents wouldn’t learn it. I have no connection or relation to a deaf person and I still want to learn sign for the sake of being able to communicate with a large population in our society. I hope those parents that do not learn sign will reconsider learning it; who would not want to be able to communicate effectively with their child?
We headed through the classrooms and finally one of the kids looked at me really strange and asked why I was wearing headphones and looking funny. The principal asked if I wanted to explain… I couldn’t sign. I had no way to tell the child why I was like this. I looked at Ben in a pleading manner and hoped he would explain for me. Fortunately, he did. He asked the principal if she could translate for him and afterwards began to go off on a elementary explanation of our experiment. He started talking about why I was wearing the headphones; that I wanted to see what it is like to be deaf like them. They all smiled and then said some sign to me. I looked at them helpless. The principal took the opportunity to explain how wonderful it is that they be taught sign because then they would have no way to communicate if they didn’t. The kids stared wide eyed at me and I just shrugged.
Ben went on to talk about how the week before I had gone blind and the kids didn’t know what to say. One of the kids said to the teacher how he couldn’t imagine doing that. He wouldn’t know what to do if he didn’t have his sight. I laughed on the inside.
He wouldn’t know what to do without his sight. I wouldn’t know what to do without my hearing. Yet he does just fine. And I did just fine last week. You never really know I guess until you have lost it.
We said goodbye to the kids and returned downstairs to the principal’s office. She asked us if we had anymore questions. Ben and I asked her if she would go through the signing alphabet with us to make sure that we had the at least the smallest amount of knowledge for communication. She also went through some words that would help us throughout the day such as bathroom, I don’t know, sign, science, building, thank you, no, and a few other small ones. This got Ben and I excited.
We left trying to talk to each other with the limited amount of words that we knew. We have very little to talk about so we basically just practiced what we knew. Somehow we got it to where he knew I didn’t mind going to the mall and we headed off. We began to roam the mall and trying to keep talking up.
We decided that if we didn’t know real sign, we would make a slang of our own. We began to tie signs to words. Things that I would constantly need to say I would express that that word, by spelling it, is represented by this sign. Ben caught on and began to work with it, coming up with some of his own. We soon were talking and joking and having a great time.
I couldn’t believe it. I knew that if I actually met a deaf person that I couldn’t communicate and I knew that no one else would be able to catch on but I had an outlet. I had the ability to speak without actually speaking. I felt good and comforted. I felt like I could get through this challenge fairly easily now.
We continued to laugh and joke as we walked the mall and came up with some new words. We finally left to go see Ben’s mom for lunch. We had a good time. Talked about a bunch of different things. She did her best to communicate with me over good pizza and delicious salad.
We left after an hour or two to head back to the school. We went through our testing and continued to come up with more signs just so that we could talk easier. I made the comment that “If we actually take sign classes then we won’t be able to learn because we’ve come up with so much slang already.” Ben thought that this was hilarious and agreed with me.
It was good to be able to express my thoughts through Ben, especially when I had to talk about stuff that matters; like say work study money for example. I could not have imagined if I didn’t have some way to communicate and it was at that point that I realized how frustrating being deaf in our world could be. Imagine if you could no speak; not even the speech we associate with deaf people. Sure, you learn sign, but if the other person does not know it you are forced to pantomime and have simple conversations if any at all.
That’s why I want to learn sign. So I don’t have to have that happen to any person that I talk to that may be deaf. I mean, I know if I say that I should try to learn all languages, and trust me; I would if I could, but I can use this on an everyday basis, and hopefully in my career.
Tests went well. It’s a lot different than when I’m blind. Instead, I have to really focus because I have my vision. You tend to rely on that a lot. But when it comes down to focusing on whether or not the liquid has a tiny tiny tiny tiny TINY amount of bitter in it or sweet… it gets a little difficult.
The night went smooth. We both worked a bit on papers and whatnot while I also got to skype with my girlfriend. I did my best to show her the sign we had been working on and explain to her via AIM what I was trying to say.
So far, it’s been really exciting. I mean, I don’t get to eat amazing food everyday no matter how mundane Burwell food is, but I really enjoy it. I can’t wait to continue through the next few days and I will be looking into signing lessons for sure.
19.1.10
The last birds that ever sang was not as beautiful as your voice ringing in my ears.
Monday, January 18th
While I did enjoy my weekend very much I was very excited to get back into the swing of things. I wanted to move on to being deaf so that I could start another life changing experience. I said goodbye to my lovely girlfriend and walked happily towards the science center to begin testing so that we may begin the deprivation. As soon as I got there and there was no one to be found… I worried.
I called Ben to make sure that he was okay. Instead of getting a huffy and puff answer of someone running… I got the “Mhhmmm…. What?” Otherwise known as the typical I just woke up statement. So for thirty minutes I waited for Ben to get to the lab so that we could begin and I just hung out.
I went around the hallways that I had traveled all last week, examining the things that I tripped over and used to guide myself. I talked to teachers and student alike that usually run the halls of the psychology department. I even sat on the couch I often sat at to cool off and watch the day go by.
Finally Ben showed up and we began baseline testing. Everything turned out great and we decided that it was sufficient to continue the deprivation.
I was stoked.
Until I had to put in those freaking ear plugs.
Whoever thought that something could be so uncomfortable almost instantaneously? It wasn’t like a few minutes and they were hurting, more of like a few seconds. I knew I wasn’t going to like them but I told myself to deal with it later. I sucked it up, put them in, and then threw on the headphones.
No this is where everything hasn’t gone quite as planned. Instead of complete deafness (I.E., I couldn’t hear human speech) it simply became super muffled. I found out that I can’t really tell what people are saying from a few feet away from me, I catch bits and pieces, but I can tell if someone is next to me and talking just at regular talking level or just above. But if someone speaks softly I can’t catch what they are saying most of the time.
So we have made the executive decision to instead of calling this a deaf study we will call it a hearing impaired study. We will see if impaired hearing, which at this hearing I would need a hearing aide, affects physiological senses at all. In all honesty, I don’t see it affecting it very much; at least not enough to make it statistically significant.
We left for lunch after I put them on and saw how people would react. Most people think that I’m walking around with headphones on, bebopping to a new jam on my fancy headphones. Little do they know is that I WISH I was doing that. Instead, I have to listen to the sound of my footsteps reverberating all the way up my leg to my jaw and making this eerie sound in my head.
That and the ringing.
Oh god the ringing.
I thought that you had to have to sound inputting in order to get that ringing in your ears you have when its really quiet.
Nope.
Instead, you only have to impair your hearing. Trust me on this one. I just try to ignore it and hope by tomorrow I have become habituated to it and won’t really have to deal with it anymore. I really don’t want to get a headache from it.
I’m not sure if I mentioned this but I also decided that it would be best if I tried to go mute also. I’m doing my best not to speak. But then again, you never really realize how much you talk to yourself until you try to stop all verbal communication whatsoever. Instead of the mindset of hating not being able to talk, I get into this mindset of, I didn’t realize I talked so much. I have to catch myself now and again but I’ve dramatically scaled down on the amount that I talk to myself. I’m sure by sometime later I will have perfected it and not talk to myself anymore.
So lunch people try to ask me what I’m doing and I do my best to pantomime what I’m trying to say. I look ridiculous and crazy all at the same time. Imagine me, sitting in the lunch room, giant headphones on, looking a little disorientated while I try to pantomime that I went blind last week and now am trying to be deaf. I thought that it was a funny sight in hindsight.
We ate and left to go chill out in the room. This was much more entertaining, while not quite as interesting, as being blind. I could tell what was going on but it wasn’t as funny. It’s hard to make jokes when you have no means to communicate. It’s hard to tell what people are talking about when they looked concerned. It’s extremely difficult to be told that the announcer on the game that you’re playing is talking and the game neglectfully forgot to put in a subtitles option.
Sometimes I hate video games.
But besides that I knew that I had to learn at least some sign. Something to communicate with. I knew if I did that then I would be less and less tempted to speak externally and would have some outlet of communication. I sought this to be one of my goals.
The day went by fairly fast. Nothing too stunning in particular. I did get to go to bass lessons that night. It was just as interesting as last week. Instead of really hearing the bass I could feel the vibrations of the bass rippling against my shirt and jaw. I learned how to play like this after a few minutes of warming up and Tim and I got started. Somehow we joked. We played. We enjoyed. I’m not quite sure how. It was just the natural connection that you feel with a person one on one. It’s easy to make even without the language barrier.
I learned a few new songs, most I’ve learned in a while, some complex licks, and I got some new stuff written. It was really good to have this the first day. More comforting that way. I felt as though that I could do something that I have always been able to do. Not limited by my disability, though I can’t say that if I was playing acoustic guitar it would be the same. I just really enjoyed having that comfort, basically because my comfort was stripped away on my last day of being blind.
So I came back for more hanging out, trying to get used to things and not really worrying about anything. And that’s still where I am now. I enjoy being able to pick up my bass without having to hit 3 different walls, knock down 2 pictures, and hit Zach in the head multiple times.
But we’ll see how this goes. I know that I need some way to communicate so I guess that will be the next thing that I work on. For now I’m going to take these darn earplugs out of my ear and hit the hay. Don’t worry, I’m keeping the headphones on. It is just painful to have the earplugs in for a long period of time and I don’t want an ear infection.
That and I want the vampires in my ears to escape at night.
Sleep easy!
I miss her voice.
While I did enjoy my weekend very much I was very excited to get back into the swing of things. I wanted to move on to being deaf so that I could start another life changing experience. I said goodbye to my lovely girlfriend and walked happily towards the science center to begin testing so that we may begin the deprivation. As soon as I got there and there was no one to be found… I worried.
I called Ben to make sure that he was okay. Instead of getting a huffy and puff answer of someone running… I got the “Mhhmmm…. What?” Otherwise known as the typical I just woke up statement. So for thirty minutes I waited for Ben to get to the lab so that we could begin and I just hung out.
I went around the hallways that I had traveled all last week, examining the things that I tripped over and used to guide myself. I talked to teachers and student alike that usually run the halls of the psychology department. I even sat on the couch I often sat at to cool off and watch the day go by.
Finally Ben showed up and we began baseline testing. Everything turned out great and we decided that it was sufficient to continue the deprivation.
I was stoked.
Until I had to put in those freaking ear plugs.
Whoever thought that something could be so uncomfortable almost instantaneously? It wasn’t like a few minutes and they were hurting, more of like a few seconds. I knew I wasn’t going to like them but I told myself to deal with it later. I sucked it up, put them in, and then threw on the headphones.
No this is where everything hasn’t gone quite as planned. Instead of complete deafness (I.E., I couldn’t hear human speech) it simply became super muffled. I found out that I can’t really tell what people are saying from a few feet away from me, I catch bits and pieces, but I can tell if someone is next to me and talking just at regular talking level or just above. But if someone speaks softly I can’t catch what they are saying most of the time.
So we have made the executive decision to instead of calling this a deaf study we will call it a hearing impaired study. We will see if impaired hearing, which at this hearing I would need a hearing aide, affects physiological senses at all. In all honesty, I don’t see it affecting it very much; at least not enough to make it statistically significant.
We left for lunch after I put them on and saw how people would react. Most people think that I’m walking around with headphones on, bebopping to a new jam on my fancy headphones. Little do they know is that I WISH I was doing that. Instead, I have to listen to the sound of my footsteps reverberating all the way up my leg to my jaw and making this eerie sound in my head.
That and the ringing.
Oh god the ringing.
I thought that you had to have to sound inputting in order to get that ringing in your ears you have when its really quiet.
Nope.
Instead, you only have to impair your hearing. Trust me on this one. I just try to ignore it and hope by tomorrow I have become habituated to it and won’t really have to deal with it anymore. I really don’t want to get a headache from it.
I’m not sure if I mentioned this but I also decided that it would be best if I tried to go mute also. I’m doing my best not to speak. But then again, you never really realize how much you talk to yourself until you try to stop all verbal communication whatsoever. Instead of the mindset of hating not being able to talk, I get into this mindset of, I didn’t realize I talked so much. I have to catch myself now and again but I’ve dramatically scaled down on the amount that I talk to myself. I’m sure by sometime later I will have perfected it and not talk to myself anymore.
So lunch people try to ask me what I’m doing and I do my best to pantomime what I’m trying to say. I look ridiculous and crazy all at the same time. Imagine me, sitting in the lunch room, giant headphones on, looking a little disorientated while I try to pantomime that I went blind last week and now am trying to be deaf. I thought that it was a funny sight in hindsight.
We ate and left to go chill out in the room. This was much more entertaining, while not quite as interesting, as being blind. I could tell what was going on but it wasn’t as funny. It’s hard to make jokes when you have no means to communicate. It’s hard to tell what people are talking about when they looked concerned. It’s extremely difficult to be told that the announcer on the game that you’re playing is talking and the game neglectfully forgot to put in a subtitles option.
Sometimes I hate video games.
But besides that I knew that I had to learn at least some sign. Something to communicate with. I knew if I did that then I would be less and less tempted to speak externally and would have some outlet of communication. I sought this to be one of my goals.
The day went by fairly fast. Nothing too stunning in particular. I did get to go to bass lessons that night. It was just as interesting as last week. Instead of really hearing the bass I could feel the vibrations of the bass rippling against my shirt and jaw. I learned how to play like this after a few minutes of warming up and Tim and I got started. Somehow we joked. We played. We enjoyed. I’m not quite sure how. It was just the natural connection that you feel with a person one on one. It’s easy to make even without the language barrier.
I learned a few new songs, most I’ve learned in a while, some complex licks, and I got some new stuff written. It was really good to have this the first day. More comforting that way. I felt as though that I could do something that I have always been able to do. Not limited by my disability, though I can’t say that if I was playing acoustic guitar it would be the same. I just really enjoyed having that comfort, basically because my comfort was stripped away on my last day of being blind.
So I came back for more hanging out, trying to get used to things and not really worrying about anything. And that’s still where I am now. I enjoy being able to pick up my bass without having to hit 3 different walls, knock down 2 pictures, and hit Zach in the head multiple times.
But we’ll see how this goes. I know that I need some way to communicate so I guess that will be the next thing that I work on. For now I’m going to take these darn earplugs out of my ear and hit the hay. Don’t worry, I’m keeping the headphones on. It is just painful to have the earplugs in for a long period of time and I don’t want an ear infection.
That and I want the vampires in my ears to escape at night.
Sleep easy!
I miss her voice.
18.1.10
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Friday, January 15
As a preface, I would like to say that I am sorry for not getting this blog post sooner. I have been having technical difficulties and have been unable to reach a computer for some time. This was a very very very riveting experience and when I took the blindfold off it took some time to really analyze how I felt.
So, today was the faithful day that I take off my blindfold. I’m not quite sure how I feel (And now I think I have figured out how I do) about taking off these bandages after so many days of having them on. I laughed with Ben because I told him that even though I know it has only been five days it feels like a lifetime. It feels like I’ve been under these things for so long and that my life has really revolved around being blind. But then again, I know that it hasn’t.
I know that I am not truly blind. I’m not ignoring that. I know that at anytime during these days I had the comfort of knowing that I could take off the blinding apparatus and be fine. I’m thankful that I could. But please don’t look at this blog and expect to see what its like to be a blind person. I am simply a person who volunteered to go blind for 5 days in hopes of better understanding.
But besides that point I think that this was still the most amazing experience that I have ever had.
I woke up, disorientated as I was from the fire alarm the night before, and did not feel as though I had been doing it all week. Instead, I felt as though that I had woken up for the first time blind, like Tuesday. That was really discomforting. I was hoping by the last day that everything would have felt regular, that I could do these things without any fault.
Instead, I felt like a baby calf; I had to be led everywhere, I didn’t want to leave my caretakers side, and I was afraid of being as disorientated as I was the night before. I stuck to Ben’s side the entire day and didn’t want to leave without someone close. I didn’t want to feel like the night before with the alarm.
I guess that’s another thing that is hard to appreciate. Traumatic situations make us loose our sense of stability or anything of that nature. When you have gone blind recently, such as myself, its hard to operate when you loose even more sense of stability.
So even waking up was hard. I had to open 5 different drawers, out of 6, before I was able to find where my shirts were. I lost all placement as to the things in my room, my living room, and I had to take moving around in the bathroom really slow.
Ben could tell that I was upset, distraught, and horribly upset at the situation. I couldn’t really express it. I wanted to take these bandages off so that I could return to being normal. But I stuck through with it till the end. We grabbed some lunch after I took a shower and headed to the lab to do our tests.
The tests were easy enough to get through though one of our testing materials broke. Oh well. We’ll fix it somehow. Everything there went well and I was very anxious to get back so that I could take off the bandages.
After Ben FINALLY stopped playing his computer game we left for the room and the time to take off the bandages was soon to arrive. I sat on the couch anxious to take them off. Ben finally turned off all of the lights and I started to pick away at the bandages. Instead of keeping my eyes closed the entire time until the bandages were completely off I peeked.
I couldn’t help myself. And trust me, if you couldn’t see for 5 days you would too.
I could see everything in the room. Everything. Maybe not with the best clarity but I could see it even though the lights were off.
And everything was blue. A magnificent blue hue.
It was as if someone had put a blue filter over a camera and shot the room with it. I couldn’t help but stare at my hands. At the movement. A fluid movement that didn’t stop with my imagination. The things in the room ever so still but at the same time comforting because I know that I could move them. I know that I could tell where things are, not give it my best guess. It was like I was in a dream. Except, I didn’t want to wake up. I felt so great.
It felt so great to finally take off those irritating bandages. (Later on, I found out that my skin was so irritated from it that it actually made the skin on my eyes swollen and peel). I wanted to cry but I don’t think that my eyes knew how. They were already so strained and tired even though it had only been a few hours. I thought that the transition from sight into blindness was tiring…
Blindness into sight was exhausting. I wanted to immediately go to sleep but I also wanted to see everything again. To see what I had felt. What I tripped over. Etc. etc. It was more of a trip than the transition in. I’m still not exactly sure how to explain it and I don’t think that I ever will. I’m sure you all can appreciate that. That its incredibly hard to talk about a situation that has changed your life.
This has changed my life.
I walked outside after about an hour of readjusting my eyes to light to see amazing colors. A plethora of colors that ranged from the greenest of grass, the bluest of skies, the most yellow of suns, and the most black of the pavement. I missed all of these colors. And now when I look out my window, stare at my books, look at my paintings, I can appreciate it all so much more. I can really feel the colors.
I see it all now. I see the colors that I didn’t like before or did not think went well with things and love them. I see things in patterns that I have never taken to notice before.
I love every color around me. I love every structure. I love to look and stare and gawk at the birds that fly from one tree to another. I can’t help but sit outside and just look. I love to match the sound sthat I heard before to the things that they come from. I’m sensitive to hear the sound of the pavement that I walk on. I can hear the birds laughing and playing their sweet songs hundreds of feet away. It makes me smile.
Everything is making me smile more and more. You just learn to focus on the goods when you don’t have something such as sight. I now know why Ameer was happy all of the time to talk to or hang out with anyone. I love to smile now.
I know this sounds repetitive, and I agree, it is, but there just really is no way to explain how I feel. I wish that everyone could have experienced this. I wish that everyone could really know how it feels to go blind for a week. I know it seems like an impossible task but I can promise you that it is not. I did it. People who actually go blind don’t even have a return to. They just have their blindness. It is possible to survive.
It is possible to see the world.
It is possible to see beauty.
It has helped me recognize it everyday since. I love the time that I spend with people. I love the hugs that I get. I love just the smiles that they have when I tell a joke. I love their laughter. I love the sight of happiness. I love my life.
Appreciation. That’s the word that I want to use for this. I got appreciation from this. For not only my life, but for handicapped people as well. I want to continue to have these experiences long after this experiment has passed. I cannot wait to go deaf next week. It should be an exciting experiment. An exciting lifestyle change.
This has been a great experience and I hope that if you ever speak/email me that I can help you understand this more. Thank you all very much for a week so far and please, don’t stop reading. This experiment is no where near over.
As a preface, I would like to say that I am sorry for not getting this blog post sooner. I have been having technical difficulties and have been unable to reach a computer for some time. This was a very very very riveting experience and when I took the blindfold off it took some time to really analyze how I felt.
So, today was the faithful day that I take off my blindfold. I’m not quite sure how I feel (And now I think I have figured out how I do) about taking off these bandages after so many days of having them on. I laughed with Ben because I told him that even though I know it has only been five days it feels like a lifetime. It feels like I’ve been under these things for so long and that my life has really revolved around being blind. But then again, I know that it hasn’t.
I know that I am not truly blind. I’m not ignoring that. I know that at anytime during these days I had the comfort of knowing that I could take off the blinding apparatus and be fine. I’m thankful that I could. But please don’t look at this blog and expect to see what its like to be a blind person. I am simply a person who volunteered to go blind for 5 days in hopes of better understanding.
But besides that point I think that this was still the most amazing experience that I have ever had.
I woke up, disorientated as I was from the fire alarm the night before, and did not feel as though I had been doing it all week. Instead, I felt as though that I had woken up for the first time blind, like Tuesday. That was really discomforting. I was hoping by the last day that everything would have felt regular, that I could do these things without any fault.
Instead, I felt like a baby calf; I had to be led everywhere, I didn’t want to leave my caretakers side, and I was afraid of being as disorientated as I was the night before. I stuck to Ben’s side the entire day and didn’t want to leave without someone close. I didn’t want to feel like the night before with the alarm.
I guess that’s another thing that is hard to appreciate. Traumatic situations make us loose our sense of stability or anything of that nature. When you have gone blind recently, such as myself, its hard to operate when you loose even more sense of stability.
So even waking up was hard. I had to open 5 different drawers, out of 6, before I was able to find where my shirts were. I lost all placement as to the things in my room, my living room, and I had to take moving around in the bathroom really slow.
Ben could tell that I was upset, distraught, and horribly upset at the situation. I couldn’t really express it. I wanted to take these bandages off so that I could return to being normal. But I stuck through with it till the end. We grabbed some lunch after I took a shower and headed to the lab to do our tests.
The tests were easy enough to get through though one of our testing materials broke. Oh well. We’ll fix it somehow. Everything there went well and I was very anxious to get back so that I could take off the bandages.
After Ben FINALLY stopped playing his computer game we left for the room and the time to take off the bandages was soon to arrive. I sat on the couch anxious to take them off. Ben finally turned off all of the lights and I started to pick away at the bandages. Instead of keeping my eyes closed the entire time until the bandages were completely off I peeked.
I couldn’t help myself. And trust me, if you couldn’t see for 5 days you would too.
I could see everything in the room. Everything. Maybe not with the best clarity but I could see it even though the lights were off.
And everything was blue. A magnificent blue hue.
It was as if someone had put a blue filter over a camera and shot the room with it. I couldn’t help but stare at my hands. At the movement. A fluid movement that didn’t stop with my imagination. The things in the room ever so still but at the same time comforting because I know that I could move them. I know that I could tell where things are, not give it my best guess. It was like I was in a dream. Except, I didn’t want to wake up. I felt so great.
It felt so great to finally take off those irritating bandages. (Later on, I found out that my skin was so irritated from it that it actually made the skin on my eyes swollen and peel). I wanted to cry but I don’t think that my eyes knew how. They were already so strained and tired even though it had only been a few hours. I thought that the transition from sight into blindness was tiring…
Blindness into sight was exhausting. I wanted to immediately go to sleep but I also wanted to see everything again. To see what I had felt. What I tripped over. Etc. etc. It was more of a trip than the transition in. I’m still not exactly sure how to explain it and I don’t think that I ever will. I’m sure you all can appreciate that. That its incredibly hard to talk about a situation that has changed your life.
This has changed my life.
I walked outside after about an hour of readjusting my eyes to light to see amazing colors. A plethora of colors that ranged from the greenest of grass, the bluest of skies, the most yellow of suns, and the most black of the pavement. I missed all of these colors. And now when I look out my window, stare at my books, look at my paintings, I can appreciate it all so much more. I can really feel the colors.
I see it all now. I see the colors that I didn’t like before or did not think went well with things and love them. I see things in patterns that I have never taken to notice before.
I love every color around me. I love every structure. I love to look and stare and gawk at the birds that fly from one tree to another. I can’t help but sit outside and just look. I love to match the sound sthat I heard before to the things that they come from. I’m sensitive to hear the sound of the pavement that I walk on. I can hear the birds laughing and playing their sweet songs hundreds of feet away. It makes me smile.
Everything is making me smile more and more. You just learn to focus on the goods when you don’t have something such as sight. I now know why Ameer was happy all of the time to talk to or hang out with anyone. I love to smile now.
I know this sounds repetitive, and I agree, it is, but there just really is no way to explain how I feel. I wish that everyone could have experienced this. I wish that everyone could really know how it feels to go blind for a week. I know it seems like an impossible task but I can promise you that it is not. I did it. People who actually go blind don’t even have a return to. They just have their blindness. It is possible to survive.
It is possible to see the world.
It is possible to see beauty.
It has helped me recognize it everyday since. I love the time that I spend with people. I love the hugs that I get. I love just the smiles that they have when I tell a joke. I love their laughter. I love the sight of happiness. I love my life.
Appreciation. That’s the word that I want to use for this. I got appreciation from this. For not only my life, but for handicapped people as well. I want to continue to have these experiences long after this experiment has passed. I cannot wait to go deaf next week. It should be an exciting experiment. An exciting lifestyle change.
This has been a great experience and I hope that if you ever speak/email me that I can help you understand this more. Thank you all very much for a week so far and please, don’t stop reading. This experiment is no where near over.
16.1.10
One thing I can tell you is you got to be free.
Thursday, January 14th
We woke up a bit earlier today than we usually do. I took my shower and got ready as fast as possible. I put on my best clean shirt and headed out the door with a smile on my face. Ben and I rushed to Acorn… because we had visitors. The Hearald Journal decided to send out two journalists to come do a story on our experiment.
It was a lot of fun to have these guys around. They asked questions freely and were very interesting. There was never a quiet moment to be had with these jokesters. They were impressed by my ability and did not shy from taking pictures. Hey, who knows, maybe I’ll be on the front page :D. We talked to them about the nature of our experiment, the short comings and positives, the challenges and the joys, and the experience as a whole. Both Alex and Dudeley were very eager to see our labv and what we go through each day. They were even willing to try a few of the solvents that we had made for taste testing.
Suckers. :D
Just kidding, Ben didn’t give them the most concentrated solutions that we had. It was great to meet even more people who were as eager about hearing the results of our project as Ben and I were. I mean are. I really wish I could see the screen so that I could edit what I say before just blindly typing it. Oh well, I get over it. Now where was I?
So the guys stayed around for a about an hour or more. I’m sure they got great quotes and fairly understood what we were trying to convey. They said that they would be getting back in ouch with us next week to get some more information and the article should be printing a week from Tuesday. I’m really excited. If everything goes according to plan I will be coming out of my dual phase of both Blind and deaf.
We hopped over to lunch afterwards to have a great time with TJ, John, and Francis (Sorry if that’s wrong_. Again, I have to say that my favorite part of each day is either talking to my brothers about my day, orjust joking around with one sentence stories, or talking to Stephanie on the phone, which I have been noticing I call her more and more because of. Its really a great thing to hear the sound of other people’s voices. We ran around campus for a bit, doing this and that, and just having fun. We packed up all of our things and headed back to the lab for a quick hour or so of more testing. The results are very inspiring. I hope that they come out as well as I think that they are. I guess that I will see tomorrow.
Its strange to notice how tiring this work can be. Both Ben and I have a hard time during down times in the day to stay awake. Both of us just want to crawl into bed and take a nap. I think he’s doing that right now as I sit at my computer and write my blog. Its crazy to think of the energy exerted on the body, let alone the mind, when you have to operate with a disability. I’m having to think about every situation that I usually don’t have to. I’m having to make sure I know where I am at all times and I have to make sure I know where to get where I need to be in a timely fashion. Sure, sometimes it is frustrating but I still hold my own. I’ll catch up on sleep sometime later. Why not experience this to the fullest?
So now I’m heading off to go sit in my main room, joke around with Zach and David, try to play some video games, and contemplate what dinner is going to taste like. Perhaps I’ll also be able to play some rock band tonight, which will be a great experience to say the least.
Tomorrow, the bandages come off. Its scary to think about it, but I think I’m ready for them to. I want to read Bens blog. I also want to see how my other classmates are coming along. It’s the feeling that you would get if you weren’t living in America for a few months only to return and know that he first thing you’re going to eat is a good ole’ cheeseburger. I know its coming, and though I’m sad about “leaving” I just really want to take a big bite of that burger.
I hope that this blog has somewhat shown you all how being blind can affect someone’s life. I hope that I’m doing everything that I need to do to be able to show you that. If I’m not, ask questions. I love to answer anything that I can. Sadly, I’ll just have to wait until I can see again. I hope everyone has a good one, and I will be writing again soon.
Afternote.
Its strange how things just suddenly appear to test you. Oftentimes we fail, we have to admit that. Well, this morning around 3:30 a.m. I failed. I panicked and I didn’t know what to do. It was like a wild beast that came out of the darkness to grab me and I almost collapsed into a ball to await my fate.
Someone’s microwave had exploded and the fire alarm began to go off.
At first, I reacted like I usually do; calm and put on the closest set of clothes that I could find. I got my pants and a very old shirt on and somehow in the middle of it had unlocked my door. I began to try and find my shoes. Here’s where I panicked.
Not only is it disorientating to be around loud noises when you are blind, but a fire alarm is very very very overwhelming. I lost all track of where I was, who I was, or what I was doing. I tried hard to find my place in the room but it wasn’t happening. I tripped, stumbled, and nearly broke down.
It felt as if someone was attacking me.
But knowing that this was more likely to be an actual fire alarm than a test I did my best to find my way out. I thought I had the door when it turned out that I just had the side of one of my rooms. This was not very comforting. Just when I was ready to rip off the bandages because I saw this as a necessary situation where the bandages should come off, I felt a light touch on my shoulder.
You really understand true friendship when you have your roommate rescue you from this kind of situation. David had come into my room with my cane and handed it to me. I felt relieved and stability returned to me like the breath to a drowning person; piercing at first, but then comforting. We began to leave the room where Ben was waiting right outside the door. I followed Ben outside and spent the next fifteen minutes shivering in the cold because I could not find a jacket before we left.
We finally returned to the room where I immediately crawled into bed. I couldn’t really think. I had felt so tired that I could have slept for days. I’m still feeling the effects later as I write this blog and I can tell that stressful situations can be so much scarier in a situation like mine.
So, what have I learned? Be open to help, seek it if necessary. I was scared to call out to David; hell, I didn’t even think about it. You cannot let yourself be proud in these kind of cases. You have to understand that you do in fact have a handicap. While you may be able to do things that non-handicapped people can do, you are not on the same level. You should look for help when necessary.
A fire is a necessary situation.
A shriek in the night
A roar in my ears
No light pierces my sight
But my heart fills with fear
Alone in the dark
Ablaze is a light
Somewhere near me
Fingers quiver with fright
A simple touch
A guided hand
Led from astray
To a safe haven, land
Friends are there
No matter your cries
To lead you from danger
No matter your eyes.
We woke up a bit earlier today than we usually do. I took my shower and got ready as fast as possible. I put on my best clean shirt and headed out the door with a smile on my face. Ben and I rushed to Acorn… because we had visitors. The Hearald Journal decided to send out two journalists to come do a story on our experiment.
It was a lot of fun to have these guys around. They asked questions freely and were very interesting. There was never a quiet moment to be had with these jokesters. They were impressed by my ability and did not shy from taking pictures. Hey, who knows, maybe I’ll be on the front page :D. We talked to them about the nature of our experiment, the short comings and positives, the challenges and the joys, and the experience as a whole. Both Alex and Dudeley were very eager to see our labv and what we go through each day. They were even willing to try a few of the solvents that we had made for taste testing.
Suckers. :D
Just kidding, Ben didn’t give them the most concentrated solutions that we had. It was great to meet even more people who were as eager about hearing the results of our project as Ben and I were. I mean are. I really wish I could see the screen so that I could edit what I say before just blindly typing it. Oh well, I get over it. Now where was I?
So the guys stayed around for a about an hour or more. I’m sure they got great quotes and fairly understood what we were trying to convey. They said that they would be getting back in ouch with us next week to get some more information and the article should be printing a week from Tuesday. I’m really excited. If everything goes according to plan I will be coming out of my dual phase of both Blind and deaf.
We hopped over to lunch afterwards to have a great time with TJ, John, and Francis (Sorry if that’s wrong_. Again, I have to say that my favorite part of each day is either talking to my brothers about my day, orjust joking around with one sentence stories, or talking to Stephanie on the phone, which I have been noticing I call her more and more because of. Its really a great thing to hear the sound of other people’s voices. We ran around campus for a bit, doing this and that, and just having fun. We packed up all of our things and headed back to the lab for a quick hour or so of more testing. The results are very inspiring. I hope that they come out as well as I think that they are. I guess that I will see tomorrow.
Its strange to notice how tiring this work can be. Both Ben and I have a hard time during down times in the day to stay awake. Both of us just want to crawl into bed and take a nap. I think he’s doing that right now as I sit at my computer and write my blog. Its crazy to think of the energy exerted on the body, let alone the mind, when you have to operate with a disability. I’m having to think about every situation that I usually don’t have to. I’m having to make sure I know where I am at all times and I have to make sure I know where to get where I need to be in a timely fashion. Sure, sometimes it is frustrating but I still hold my own. I’ll catch up on sleep sometime later. Why not experience this to the fullest?
So now I’m heading off to go sit in my main room, joke around with Zach and David, try to play some video games, and contemplate what dinner is going to taste like. Perhaps I’ll also be able to play some rock band tonight, which will be a great experience to say the least.
Tomorrow, the bandages come off. Its scary to think about it, but I think I’m ready for them to. I want to read Bens blog. I also want to see how my other classmates are coming along. It’s the feeling that you would get if you weren’t living in America for a few months only to return and know that he first thing you’re going to eat is a good ole’ cheeseburger. I know its coming, and though I’m sad about “leaving” I just really want to take a big bite of that burger.
I hope that this blog has somewhat shown you all how being blind can affect someone’s life. I hope that I’m doing everything that I need to do to be able to show you that. If I’m not, ask questions. I love to answer anything that I can. Sadly, I’ll just have to wait until I can see again. I hope everyone has a good one, and I will be writing again soon.
Afternote.
Its strange how things just suddenly appear to test you. Oftentimes we fail, we have to admit that. Well, this morning around 3:30 a.m. I failed. I panicked and I didn’t know what to do. It was like a wild beast that came out of the darkness to grab me and I almost collapsed into a ball to await my fate.
Someone’s microwave had exploded and the fire alarm began to go off.
At first, I reacted like I usually do; calm and put on the closest set of clothes that I could find. I got my pants and a very old shirt on and somehow in the middle of it had unlocked my door. I began to try and find my shoes. Here’s where I panicked.
Not only is it disorientating to be around loud noises when you are blind, but a fire alarm is very very very overwhelming. I lost all track of where I was, who I was, or what I was doing. I tried hard to find my place in the room but it wasn’t happening. I tripped, stumbled, and nearly broke down.
It felt as if someone was attacking me.
But knowing that this was more likely to be an actual fire alarm than a test I did my best to find my way out. I thought I had the door when it turned out that I just had the side of one of my rooms. This was not very comforting. Just when I was ready to rip off the bandages because I saw this as a necessary situation where the bandages should come off, I felt a light touch on my shoulder.
You really understand true friendship when you have your roommate rescue you from this kind of situation. David had come into my room with my cane and handed it to me. I felt relieved and stability returned to me like the breath to a drowning person; piercing at first, but then comforting. We began to leave the room where Ben was waiting right outside the door. I followed Ben outside and spent the next fifteen minutes shivering in the cold because I could not find a jacket before we left.
We finally returned to the room where I immediately crawled into bed. I couldn’t really think. I had felt so tired that I could have slept for days. I’m still feeling the effects later as I write this blog and I can tell that stressful situations can be so much scarier in a situation like mine.
So, what have I learned? Be open to help, seek it if necessary. I was scared to call out to David; hell, I didn’t even think about it. You cannot let yourself be proud in these kind of cases. You have to understand that you do in fact have a handicap. While you may be able to do things that non-handicapped people can do, you are not on the same level. You should look for help when necessary.
A fire is a necessary situation.
A shriek in the night
A roar in my ears
No light pierces my sight
But my heart fills with fear
Alone in the dark
Ablaze is a light
Somewhere near me
Fingers quiver with fright
A simple touch
A guided hand
Led from astray
To a safe haven, land
Friends are there
No matter your cries
To lead you from danger
No matter your eyes.
15.1.10
I'm not breaking down. I'm breaking out.
Wednesday, January 13th
iAnd today marks the beginning of routine. I feel comforatable enough to go throughmy day while being blind. Its no longer a huge shock to me whever I go how to do things. Its not a big deal I guess.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, its all still really hard. I still have trouble maneuvering through Acorn or Zach’s because of the chairs and tables. I still have a hard time listening to 8 conversations at once because I can’t help but do it. But its all becoming something that I’m used to. I come to expect it.
So now its just having to deal with it. Its no longer a sit back and just let it all “hit me in the face” so to speak. Instead I have to pick and choose. I have to maneuver actively. I have to draw maps of these places in my head. I have to be able to focus on one thing though I’m having to listen to all of the other conversations at one time. By doing so I feel as though I’m honing my skills. My ability to operate has increased significantly. I believe that even our tests are showing great improvement as it goes on. I really feel as though I understand acclimation. I get that I’m able to do this because I’m putting my mind to it and recognizing that if I don’t I’m not going to get the full experience out of this. I continued doing my regular things; writing this blog, eating with friends, trying to guide my way to the lab without the help of Ben, trying to remember where every bump, curb, or step is everywhere I go. It’s a crazy lifestyle but if you put your mind to it, anyone is definitely able to do it.
So we woke like usual, me not knowing where or what time it was, and Ben sitting outside wating for me to stumble sleepily out of my room to go and take a shower. I have to say that I appreciate all the patience that Ben has been putting into this experiment. I know this is a challenge for me to have patience to deal with the blindness but Ben has been a great sport, good humor, and very caring. He has done a great job in making sure that I am comfortable, well off, and not putting myself into any danger. Because of this week I’ve learned a lot about Ben. It makes me very happy he’s my lab partner.
We continued through our regular routine and got things done in a fairly short amount of time.
So then I sat around.
Bored.
Not really knowing what to do.
Its really a different experience to see how much entertainment has played into my life, its more of a way I guess. I really rely heavily on things like television and video games to occupy my time. I really miss reading books and that wouldn’t be a problem if I had some of the equipment that most blind people have at their disposal. I’d be able to read, surf the web, and play games on my computer. Sure, I might not be able to play Forza 3 with Zach as he goes on about how the driving simulation in it is so good, I might not be able to gasp at the wondrous beauty of Avatar in 3D, and I might not be able to enjoy the wondrous nature of a good book. I just miss it all. I know that its not too far away but I can’t wait for Friday. I feel like I’ve experience a lifetime, but I also feel like I’m wanting to quit too soon. I mean, its only the 3rd day. Who gives up on the 3rd day? So I tried to get over my boredom.
I started imagining things. I started to explore worlds that I had created. I played music in my mind with different instruments that were at my disposal. I felt as if I could grove to a ever moving landscape. I wanted to stay in that place for days. I love the images that my mind creates, whether they are terrifying or joyful. I enjoy seeing the sights of a windswept desert while able to move nearly immediately to a rocky outcrop over the ocean. I enjoy pretending that my girlfriend and I have replaced the characters for Daft Punk’s Interstellar 5555. I enjoy imagining that my friends and I are sky diving through the air while trying to do cool tricks, spinning down past cosmos and stars that feel warm against our face.
Trust me, if you ever get bored, explore your mind. It’s a wonderful place that can never, I mean never, get boring. Sure, it may be scary, it may be bland, but even so it is never boring. You have free reign, move yourself.
I always talk about facilitating movement. Even if its backwards. It’s a great phrase that I love to have strewn across my life. I don’t like sitting still, I don’t like not doing anything, and I definitely don’t like people refusing to do something because they are scared. I was deathly afraid of doing this. I really was. I didn’t know how to really approach this but I knew it would be a great experience that I couldn’t back down from. I would not back down from.
So I trecked on. Ben and I continued throughout our day doing the normal things that we do. I continued to explore my mind and lost track of time. Before I knew it, it was dinner. Dinner was fun, as usual, because I get to enjoy talks with my brothers. Being blind makes you really appreciate the talks that you have between friends. Some people might see them as pointless, including myself at most times, but they really let you know how you feel about a person. It made me realize why I wanted to be a part of the fraternity. It made me realize that we are a great set of men. Even phone calls to loved ones are satisfying. Talking with Stephanie makes me feel warm inside. It puts a smile on my face and makes me feel like I did when we first talked on the phone for hours and hours 4 years ago. Just look and really take to heart the things that go on.
We went to the hospital to see Ben’s surrogate grandparents as he calls them. Joe, the husband, was ill with cancer. Grace, the wife is as nice as she can be and is really loving. I could tell just from the sounds in her voice that she truly cared not only for Joe, but saw Ben as one of her own. Joe was not in good shape. He was having a hard time, sorry I meant to say is there, with chemo and is not holding up to well. He still had a curious tinge in his voice about why I was blind and seemed to be a great man. Grace was one of the nicest people that I have ever met. You could really tell that she was very caring. This was though, the first time that I have ever heard someone scared. Grace has this quiver in her voice that frightened me to my core. I didn’t know what to think. I felt so strongly that I should rip off my patches, give her a hug, and not let go for a long time. Its crazy to hear that you can tell someone’s emotion just by the sound of their voice but I feel like I could tell better. But for the sake of the project I gave her a good hug and hoped for the best. It really hit Ben hard, which made me upset because not only is it hard to console a person but it is even harder when you’re blind. At least new at it.
On a happier note, I got to go to my bass lesson tonight. Tim was laughing because I had actually come but was happy to teach so long as I was willing to try. We moved slow at first but I was determined. I began to move quicker, picking up on the finite movements on my bass (That wasn’t the word I was trying to come up with, more of the fine movements oif my bass) and how the tones of each note played with one another. Its one thing to hear the individual notses of music being played for you, but Its an entirely different thing when you are playing the notes yourself. I picked up the grove faster than I usually do, I kept it there for longer, I felt more able to explore the fretboard, and I even soloed a bit. It was a great experience and I can’t wait to try this deaf. It should be most interesting. We said goodbye to Tim and left back for Wofford. Ben had gone to be with his brother for a bit and I resorted to the typical Wofford College student agenda during interim. I partied. Fun times were had and many people were talked to. Its great to be able to be around my normal crowd even though I have this condition. At least I know that they can still have fun with me.
iAnd today marks the beginning of routine. I feel comforatable enough to go throughmy day while being blind. Its no longer a huge shock to me whever I go how to do things. Its not a big deal I guess.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, its all still really hard. I still have trouble maneuvering through Acorn or Zach’s because of the chairs and tables. I still have a hard time listening to 8 conversations at once because I can’t help but do it. But its all becoming something that I’m used to. I come to expect it.
So now its just having to deal with it. Its no longer a sit back and just let it all “hit me in the face” so to speak. Instead I have to pick and choose. I have to maneuver actively. I have to draw maps of these places in my head. I have to be able to focus on one thing though I’m having to listen to all of the other conversations at one time. By doing so I feel as though I’m honing my skills. My ability to operate has increased significantly. I believe that even our tests are showing great improvement as it goes on. I really feel as though I understand acclimation. I get that I’m able to do this because I’m putting my mind to it and recognizing that if I don’t I’m not going to get the full experience out of this. I continued doing my regular things; writing this blog, eating with friends, trying to guide my way to the lab without the help of Ben, trying to remember where every bump, curb, or step is everywhere I go. It’s a crazy lifestyle but if you put your mind to it, anyone is definitely able to do it.
So we woke like usual, me not knowing where or what time it was, and Ben sitting outside wating for me to stumble sleepily out of my room to go and take a shower. I have to say that I appreciate all the patience that Ben has been putting into this experiment. I know this is a challenge for me to have patience to deal with the blindness but Ben has been a great sport, good humor, and very caring. He has done a great job in making sure that I am comfortable, well off, and not putting myself into any danger. Because of this week I’ve learned a lot about Ben. It makes me very happy he’s my lab partner.
We continued through our regular routine and got things done in a fairly short amount of time.
So then I sat around.
Bored.
Not really knowing what to do.
Its really a different experience to see how much entertainment has played into my life, its more of a way I guess. I really rely heavily on things like television and video games to occupy my time. I really miss reading books and that wouldn’t be a problem if I had some of the equipment that most blind people have at their disposal. I’d be able to read, surf the web, and play games on my computer. Sure, I might not be able to play Forza 3 with Zach as he goes on about how the driving simulation in it is so good, I might not be able to gasp at the wondrous beauty of Avatar in 3D, and I might not be able to enjoy the wondrous nature of a good book. I just miss it all. I know that its not too far away but I can’t wait for Friday. I feel like I’ve experience a lifetime, but I also feel like I’m wanting to quit too soon. I mean, its only the 3rd day. Who gives up on the 3rd day? So I tried to get over my boredom.
I started imagining things. I started to explore worlds that I had created. I played music in my mind with different instruments that were at my disposal. I felt as if I could grove to a ever moving landscape. I wanted to stay in that place for days. I love the images that my mind creates, whether they are terrifying or joyful. I enjoy seeing the sights of a windswept desert while able to move nearly immediately to a rocky outcrop over the ocean. I enjoy pretending that my girlfriend and I have replaced the characters for Daft Punk’s Interstellar 5555. I enjoy imagining that my friends and I are sky diving through the air while trying to do cool tricks, spinning down past cosmos and stars that feel warm against our face.
Trust me, if you ever get bored, explore your mind. It’s a wonderful place that can never, I mean never, get boring. Sure, it may be scary, it may be bland, but even so it is never boring. You have free reign, move yourself.
I always talk about facilitating movement. Even if its backwards. It’s a great phrase that I love to have strewn across my life. I don’t like sitting still, I don’t like not doing anything, and I definitely don’t like people refusing to do something because they are scared. I was deathly afraid of doing this. I really was. I didn’t know how to really approach this but I knew it would be a great experience that I couldn’t back down from. I would not back down from.
So I trecked on. Ben and I continued throughout our day doing the normal things that we do. I continued to explore my mind and lost track of time. Before I knew it, it was dinner. Dinner was fun, as usual, because I get to enjoy talks with my brothers. Being blind makes you really appreciate the talks that you have between friends. Some people might see them as pointless, including myself at most times, but they really let you know how you feel about a person. It made me realize why I wanted to be a part of the fraternity. It made me realize that we are a great set of men. Even phone calls to loved ones are satisfying. Talking with Stephanie makes me feel warm inside. It puts a smile on my face and makes me feel like I did when we first talked on the phone for hours and hours 4 years ago. Just look and really take to heart the things that go on.
We went to the hospital to see Ben’s surrogate grandparents as he calls them. Joe, the husband, was ill with cancer. Grace, the wife is as nice as she can be and is really loving. I could tell just from the sounds in her voice that she truly cared not only for Joe, but saw Ben as one of her own. Joe was not in good shape. He was having a hard time, sorry I meant to say is there, with chemo and is not holding up to well. He still had a curious tinge in his voice about why I was blind and seemed to be a great man. Grace was one of the nicest people that I have ever met. You could really tell that she was very caring. This was though, the first time that I have ever heard someone scared. Grace has this quiver in her voice that frightened me to my core. I didn’t know what to think. I felt so strongly that I should rip off my patches, give her a hug, and not let go for a long time. Its crazy to hear that you can tell someone’s emotion just by the sound of their voice but I feel like I could tell better. But for the sake of the project I gave her a good hug and hoped for the best. It really hit Ben hard, which made me upset because not only is it hard to console a person but it is even harder when you’re blind. At least new at it.
On a happier note, I got to go to my bass lesson tonight. Tim was laughing because I had actually come but was happy to teach so long as I was willing to try. We moved slow at first but I was determined. I began to move quicker, picking up on the finite movements on my bass (That wasn’t the word I was trying to come up with, more of the fine movements oif my bass) and how the tones of each note played with one another. Its one thing to hear the individual notses of music being played for you, but Its an entirely different thing when you are playing the notes yourself. I picked up the grove faster than I usually do, I kept it there for longer, I felt more able to explore the fretboard, and I even soloed a bit. It was a great experience and I can’t wait to try this deaf. It should be most interesting. We said goodbye to Tim and left back for Wofford. Ben had gone to be with his brother for a bit and I resorted to the typical Wofford College student agenda during interim. I partied. Fun times were had and many people were talked to. Its great to be able to be around my normal crowd even though I have this condition. At least I know that they can still have fun with me.
13.1.10
Being a human in a vampire world is about as safe as barebacking a 5 dollar whore.
Tuesday, January 12th.
This was the first morning having to wake up blind. The scariest thing that I have had to experience is most definitely waking up in the morning. If I had not set my alarm myself I wouldn’t have had any idea what-so-ever as to what time it was. I woke in a jolt because of the alarm to find eyes staring back at me. Sometimes the hallucinations that I experience can be frightening. This one made my blood boil. I didn’t know what to think because I had just woken up from a very deep slumber and I have to wake to eyes staring back at me? It was very frightening. I left my room to find that Ben was already up and sitting on my couch. We turned off all of the lights in the main room and I ventured to our blacked-out bathroom where Iwas finally able to take the bandages off.
Somehow, I expected that I could see my bathroom. I’m not really sure why. I guess it was just this weird hope that I had sub-consciously thought of. Instead. My eyes conjured a very bleak image of what the room looked like.
Let me start by trying to explain how these hallucinations look to me. These may seem very vague but it is incredibly hard to explain such things as these. They appear at random times, both when my eyes are open under the bandages and when they are closed. They really don’t care which my eyes are at. These imagesusually start as strange shapes and blobs of a gray light. Kind of like when you press your fingers against your eyes in the morning and you see light; its like that, except I’m not having to press anything against y eyes. These shapes or blobs soon take shape as creatures, objects, or just seem to become more detailed in shape and move across my vision. Sounds around me accompany these visions like a strange and terrifying version of Fantasia, as if that movie wasn’t already scary enough. My favorite reoccurring one is this image of different trails of smoke or vapor (How I know that they are that I’m not sure) that dance from one side of my vision to another. They often move with purpose, of which I cannot tell, but do seem to play a waltz through my brain. I’ve seen things from family crests, Pomeranians with red eyes and devil’s teeth, a thunder storm, to simply triangles that would not leave my sight for several minutes. These items are really devoid of color. I place the color as I seem fit when I’m actively trying to assess what the image is.
Well anyways, back to the story of the day. I’m not quite sure where I left off since I had to dig deep to explain the hallucinations and I can’t exactly go back and read what I have written so far. But… I believe I left off in the blacked-out shower room. I was finally able to take off the bandages. It was… strange. I wanted to see but I couldn’t because of the lack of light. My brain conjured an image of what the bathroom looked like. Imagine daredevil. I felt really cool, until I ran into the sink and saw that my image was not at the right angle it should have been. Once I found a wall I was able to maneuver around the bath room. Showering was different because of the first time I really felt like I knew how clean my body was afterwards. I could feel the soap on my skin as I dried off. It was very relaxing. My hair was clean and my body was clean and I felt clean on the inside.
When you brush your teeth, do you ever really know if you have gotten a certain part of your mouth? Most people just keep brushing hoping that they got every part. I really felt like I could tell which parts of my mouth I had brushed and which parts I didn’t. It was the shortest time I have ever had while brushing my teeth.
Ben and I sat around in the room for a bit, doing this and that, trying to get our things together for the day. We left for lujnch at Zachs.
Zachs was difficult because it was so noisy. It was really difficult to try and navigate myself because I felt like the whole world was bearing down on top of me with noise. People talking about this person and that person and how they hate that they did that, talking about the upcoming year in football, talking about how they wish that they could find that watch they had lost last night while incredibly drunk, and no, I’m not making these up. There are more but I’m not sure how some of the viewers would appreciate the content. Lets just say that people can never really tell who is listening in on the conversation, willingly or not.
Ben and I hopped into the line for sandwichs. I felt very… very much like a newborn. I couldn’t tell when people had moved ahead or when it was my turn to speak. Instead, I had to have Ben help me move forward. I got to the front of the line and had given the first part of my order. After a few seconds of silence I hear Ben say “What else do you want on it?” I laughed a little and tried to go on with the order but the ladies were laughing because of my predicament. Ben jokingly exclaimed that I was holding up the line! I gave a huge grin and said that it was my first time going here blind and he had to give me a break. Suddenly. The line.
Went.
Silent.
It was strange. It felt like one of those situations where you see the guy in the movie open up his front door only to see a nwasteland where his neighborhood used to be. I didn’t know what to do. My heart started racing because I thought that I had maybe done something wrong. I turned to what I thought was Ben and asked what was going on and he said that people were now staring at me.
I think this is the first time that I have really understood why people would have stage fright. I’m not one for it but this made me really understand. People were staring wide eyed at me. I ccouldn’t really tell but I assumed that they were. It was the first time that I was the center of attention and I had no idea what to do. I turned back around, got my food, and was quickly led away by Ben to find a seat.
LBen and I enjoyed our lunch with friends that soon accompanied us and we left for Milliken to do our studies. The studies went fairly well. A lot quicker this time because we’re finally getting the hang of it all. Afterwards I walked around and talked to different professors that I found. We left there to just go hang out in my room. After a while of hanging out with Zach Kemper had called and asked if I wanted to et some dinner. I was hungry so I assumed that it was dinner time and said yes. Ben had decided to take a nap so Zach and David led me to Raines center. This was a fun trip. I think that they really understood that I could care for myself when I walked but that I asked for their help because it was more convenient. We had a fun dinner, talking and joking playfully. Different people came by to talk and all were fascinated with my experiment. Most were worried that something had happened to me and wanted to make sure that I was okay. After a while we headed back to the room.
We decided to go to a movie. Let me tell you, this. Was an experience. After paying for my ticket I FINALLY got some free popcorn tickets and was overjoyed. We went and sat in the movie theatre after getting popcorn and got ready for the movie. I have to say, at least in the case of Daybreakers, my imagination is far scarier than any movie I have ever seen. I have a whole new appreciation for the soundtracks and just minute sounds that you don’t really pay attention to usually. It was great to really experience surround sound and be able to tell where different things like footsteps and cars were coming from. The fight scenes were crazy and jumbled. I couldn’t really amass an image to my mind to give it the credit it was due. But it sounded like a really good fight scene.Blod and guts were everywhere, things were exploding, people were breathing hard, vampires were biting, windows breaking, people dying, cars were running from on the road to off the road. Just so much happening at one time it was hard to keep it all in one motion. At the end of each scene of carnage the closest thing that I could describe my imagination to was the monster having exploded at the end of the watchmen book all across New York. Just that strange coloration and grotesque nature of the monster. Eyes were everywhere, gross purple and blue masses strewn across what used to be normal landscape. I know, this is really grotesque but this is what the image was conjured to my mind.
While scary, the movie was a lot of fun. I’m very glad that I went, especially in hindsight.
One of the best experiences that I have had yet was getting into Zachs car to listen to Enter Shikari. This is one of my favorite bands and I’ve come to appreciate them more while blind, like almost every other band that I have listened to (Especially the Beatles_. It was great to hear every musical note though it is a heavier band than ost people listen to. To really feel the impact and emotion of the music I had to be blind. But now I think I will walk away from this experiment to really be able to feel the music being played around me.
We got back to the school only to have a few visitors vist me. Savannah brought me up to her room to show me a pet that was staying with her for a weekend. His name is buttons and he’s a hamster. He was very cute and playful but also seemed “Abnormally calm” in my hands. I think it was because I could tell better what movements were making him nervous because I was actually able to feel his heartbeat. I emean, a lot of people understand hearing a heartbeat. But have you ever really felt one? And in such a small animal. It was a beautiful thing. He played across my arms and hands, crawled up my jacket to sniff my face. I wish that every person who is blind could have a pet like buttons. Not only isit entertaining but it also makes me feel like they could connect on a deeper level than we would be able to.
Exhausted, I ventured back to my room to crawl into bed and sleep soundly. QAgain, the last voice I heard before I slept was the sound of my girlfriend’s voice. How I miss even looking at pictures of her. Fortunately I know that I will be able to see her soon and it hasn’t bothered as much as it would if I knew that I was going to beblind for the rest of my life. I miss her very much and I can’t wait to see her smiling face.
We are brought about by common dreads.
Linking us together like a lock of hair.
One voice pouring through us all.
A united front against the short-comings before us.
How I wish you could SEE
The beauty of all things around you,
And the link between people that is so deep,
That nothing could break these bonds.
Be it Joy or be it sorrow,
We are one people.
No matter how much it hurts.
We’ll see how tomorrow goes. Everyday is a new experience.
This was the first morning having to wake up blind. The scariest thing that I have had to experience is most definitely waking up in the morning. If I had not set my alarm myself I wouldn’t have had any idea what-so-ever as to what time it was. I woke in a jolt because of the alarm to find eyes staring back at me. Sometimes the hallucinations that I experience can be frightening. This one made my blood boil. I didn’t know what to think because I had just woken up from a very deep slumber and I have to wake to eyes staring back at me? It was very frightening. I left my room to find that Ben was already up and sitting on my couch. We turned off all of the lights in the main room and I ventured to our blacked-out bathroom where Iwas finally able to take the bandages off.
Somehow, I expected that I could see my bathroom. I’m not really sure why. I guess it was just this weird hope that I had sub-consciously thought of. Instead. My eyes conjured a very bleak image of what the room looked like.
Let me start by trying to explain how these hallucinations look to me. These may seem very vague but it is incredibly hard to explain such things as these. They appear at random times, both when my eyes are open under the bandages and when they are closed. They really don’t care which my eyes are at. These imagesusually start as strange shapes and blobs of a gray light. Kind of like when you press your fingers against your eyes in the morning and you see light; its like that, except I’m not having to press anything against y eyes. These shapes or blobs soon take shape as creatures, objects, or just seem to become more detailed in shape and move across my vision. Sounds around me accompany these visions like a strange and terrifying version of Fantasia, as if that movie wasn’t already scary enough. My favorite reoccurring one is this image of different trails of smoke or vapor (How I know that they are that I’m not sure) that dance from one side of my vision to another. They often move with purpose, of which I cannot tell, but do seem to play a waltz through my brain. I’ve seen things from family crests, Pomeranians with red eyes and devil’s teeth, a thunder storm, to simply triangles that would not leave my sight for several minutes. These items are really devoid of color. I place the color as I seem fit when I’m actively trying to assess what the image is.
Well anyways, back to the story of the day. I’m not quite sure where I left off since I had to dig deep to explain the hallucinations and I can’t exactly go back and read what I have written so far. But… I believe I left off in the blacked-out shower room. I was finally able to take off the bandages. It was… strange. I wanted to see but I couldn’t because of the lack of light. My brain conjured an image of what the bathroom looked like. Imagine daredevil. I felt really cool, until I ran into the sink and saw that my image was not at the right angle it should have been. Once I found a wall I was able to maneuver around the bath room. Showering was different because of the first time I really felt like I knew how clean my body was afterwards. I could feel the soap on my skin as I dried off. It was very relaxing. My hair was clean and my body was clean and I felt clean on the inside.
When you brush your teeth, do you ever really know if you have gotten a certain part of your mouth? Most people just keep brushing hoping that they got every part. I really felt like I could tell which parts of my mouth I had brushed and which parts I didn’t. It was the shortest time I have ever had while brushing my teeth.
Ben and I sat around in the room for a bit, doing this and that, trying to get our things together for the day. We left for lujnch at Zachs.
Zachs was difficult because it was so noisy. It was really difficult to try and navigate myself because I felt like the whole world was bearing down on top of me with noise. People talking about this person and that person and how they hate that they did that, talking about the upcoming year in football, talking about how they wish that they could find that watch they had lost last night while incredibly drunk, and no, I’m not making these up. There are more but I’m not sure how some of the viewers would appreciate the content. Lets just say that people can never really tell who is listening in on the conversation, willingly or not.
Ben and I hopped into the line for sandwichs. I felt very… very much like a newborn. I couldn’t tell when people had moved ahead or when it was my turn to speak. Instead, I had to have Ben help me move forward. I got to the front of the line and had given the first part of my order. After a few seconds of silence I hear Ben say “What else do you want on it?” I laughed a little and tried to go on with the order but the ladies were laughing because of my predicament. Ben jokingly exclaimed that I was holding up the line! I gave a huge grin and said that it was my first time going here blind and he had to give me a break. Suddenly. The line.
Went.
Silent.
It was strange. It felt like one of those situations where you see the guy in the movie open up his front door only to see a nwasteland where his neighborhood used to be. I didn’t know what to do. My heart started racing because I thought that I had maybe done something wrong. I turned to what I thought was Ben and asked what was going on and he said that people were now staring at me.
I think this is the first time that I have really understood why people would have stage fright. I’m not one for it but this made me really understand. People were staring wide eyed at me. I ccouldn’t really tell but I assumed that they were. It was the first time that I was the center of attention and I had no idea what to do. I turned back around, got my food, and was quickly led away by Ben to find a seat.
LBen and I enjoyed our lunch with friends that soon accompanied us and we left for Milliken to do our studies. The studies went fairly well. A lot quicker this time because we’re finally getting the hang of it all. Afterwards I walked around and talked to different professors that I found. We left there to just go hang out in my room. After a while of hanging out with Zach Kemper had called and asked if I wanted to et some dinner. I was hungry so I assumed that it was dinner time and said yes. Ben had decided to take a nap so Zach and David led me to Raines center. This was a fun trip. I think that they really understood that I could care for myself when I walked but that I asked for their help because it was more convenient. We had a fun dinner, talking and joking playfully. Different people came by to talk and all were fascinated with my experiment. Most were worried that something had happened to me and wanted to make sure that I was okay. After a while we headed back to the room.
We decided to go to a movie. Let me tell you, this. Was an experience. After paying for my ticket I FINALLY got some free popcorn tickets and was overjoyed. We went and sat in the movie theatre after getting popcorn and got ready for the movie. I have to say, at least in the case of Daybreakers, my imagination is far scarier than any movie I have ever seen. I have a whole new appreciation for the soundtracks and just minute sounds that you don’t really pay attention to usually. It was great to really experience surround sound and be able to tell where different things like footsteps and cars were coming from. The fight scenes were crazy and jumbled. I couldn’t really amass an image to my mind to give it the credit it was due. But it sounded like a really good fight scene.Blod and guts were everywhere, things were exploding, people were breathing hard, vampires were biting, windows breaking, people dying, cars were running from on the road to off the road. Just so much happening at one time it was hard to keep it all in one motion. At the end of each scene of carnage the closest thing that I could describe my imagination to was the monster having exploded at the end of the watchmen book all across New York. Just that strange coloration and grotesque nature of the monster. Eyes were everywhere, gross purple and blue masses strewn across what used to be normal landscape. I know, this is really grotesque but this is what the image was conjured to my mind.
While scary, the movie was a lot of fun. I’m very glad that I went, especially in hindsight.
One of the best experiences that I have had yet was getting into Zachs car to listen to Enter Shikari. This is one of my favorite bands and I’ve come to appreciate them more while blind, like almost every other band that I have listened to (Especially the Beatles_. It was great to hear every musical note though it is a heavier band than ost people listen to. To really feel the impact and emotion of the music I had to be blind. But now I think I will walk away from this experiment to really be able to feel the music being played around me.
We got back to the school only to have a few visitors vist me. Savannah brought me up to her room to show me a pet that was staying with her for a weekend. His name is buttons and he’s a hamster. He was very cute and playful but also seemed “Abnormally calm” in my hands. I think it was because I could tell better what movements were making him nervous because I was actually able to feel his heartbeat. I emean, a lot of people understand hearing a heartbeat. But have you ever really felt one? And in such a small animal. It was a beautiful thing. He played across my arms and hands, crawled up my jacket to sniff my face. I wish that every person who is blind could have a pet like buttons. Not only isit entertaining but it also makes me feel like they could connect on a deeper level than we would be able to.
Exhausted, I ventured back to my room to crawl into bed and sleep soundly. QAgain, the last voice I heard before I slept was the sound of my girlfriend’s voice. How I miss even looking at pictures of her. Fortunately I know that I will be able to see her soon and it hasn’t bothered as much as it would if I knew that I was going to beblind for the rest of my life. I miss her very much and I can’t wait to see her smiling face.
We are brought about by common dreads.
Linking us together like a lock of hair.
One voice pouring through us all.
A united front against the short-comings before us.
How I wish you could SEE
The beauty of all things around you,
And the link between people that is so deep,
That nothing could break these bonds.
Be it Joy or be it sorrow,
We are one people.
No matter how much it hurts.
We’ll see how tomorrow goes. Everyday is a new experience.
12.1.10
A step through the dark.
Monday, January 11th
I don’t think that there is a single thing that you can really do to prepare for going blind. I mean, I knew it was going to happen but almost all of the people who do go blind do not have the luxury of knowing what was going to happen to them. But little did I know, I was going to enter a incredible but frightening world that would titillate my senses while giving me an entirely new outlook on life, the universe, and though its corny, everything.
This morning, Ben and I set off to the lab to do the last of our baseline testing. We got done in just enough time to grab some coffee, because it was eight thirty in the morning, and head out to the School of the Deaf and the Blind. We got there with just enough time to spare to be on time for our meeting… until the guard stopped us. Little did I know that the school actually did have worthwhile security. She checked our ID’s and made scans of our drivers liscense for our passcards and then pointed us in the right direction… but only after about 10 minutes. We finally made our way to the school for the blind. I was upset to see the school in the condition that it was. It seemed much like my middle school, slightly run down and obviously not given the moey to look better. I tried to think of some of the objections that the people who give out money would give. “Who cares how the school looks! The kids can’t see anyways!”
This really upset me. I didn’t know what to think. I wanted to hurry up and have a successful career so that I could donate to the school for better facilities. But, if only that could happen for every school that had a lack of funding. We met with a Mrs. Banks who helped Ben and I go through safety tips and issues that could take place during our time together while I was blind. She taught us how to guide walk,, which I had been a part of before with Ameer but had never been in his shoes, trailing, and proper “Cane ettiquite”. IShe was definitely a big help and a wonderful person to talk to and share our thoughts with.
Then came the time to finally put on my blinding apparatus… My heart started racing and I didn’t know what to think. After Ben had put on the first one I took a final look at a picture of my girlfriend and myself on my phone, took a deep breathe in, and shut my eyes very tightly. When I opened my eyes and wasn’t able to see anything… I didn’t panic. I didn’t freak out,t and I didn’t feel like I was going to die. I felt this strange calm over me that helped me understand that I was doing this for a purpose, that in the process of this strange experiment I was going to truthfully explore the world around me. I was going to see things more real than most anyone else can. I got excited.
That didn’t last for too long, the period bell rang at the time that we left. Imagine having… what felt like thousands, kids who have been blind for an extended period of time and could fly through the hallways with no problem while I am taking baby steps to try and even get out the door. I felt embarrassed, but I understood my predicament and then thought of how later in the week how I wanted to run through the halls as if it was no problem. So I trucked on strong and proud. With Ben’s help of course. Otherwise, as we soon found out, I would run into things… a lot.
None-the-less, we left the building for a most interstting car ride. Let me tell you, this is an experience. At least with sight you have some control, it’s a false control but you feel like you could change something if you need to. I’m very glad that I trust in Ben’s driving abilities because it is most frightening when you can’t see. We got back to campus and proceeded to explore for a bit.
Its strange what you never notice when you base mostof your sense perception on sight. While waiting in line for Alexandra’s, another one of our independent research classmates, swab for DNA a person had come up to me and placed their hand on my shoulder. Confused I reached out and said, “Don’t tell me”. I touched their hand to find slender fingers and a long slender arm. But what really hit me was their smell. I could tell that it was my friend Caroline just from that. JUST FROM THAT. It wasn’t something that I had ever noticed when I could see her face. It was only something that I could tell when I had to. I didn’t even think that I identified people by how they smelled, I just thought it was because how they looked to me. This was very exciting.
We decided that it would be best to grab some lunch since I had not eaten all day and would surely need my energy. Let me tell you, if any one of you have the chance to do this just for your meals, DO IT. It is one of the best experiences that I’ve ever had.Whoever thought that a tuna sandwich would taste so… flavorfull. It was this mixed medley of flavors that seemed to tinge from one single place but at the same time I could feel the textures and flavors mixing together to make a wonderful sandwich. With a splash of cold lemonade it makes the best morning lunch that I have had. I was still hungry so I had asked Ben to make me a salad. He politely got one for me. Here is where the experienced changed.
I thought that the salad had the same flavors experience that I had with the sandwich but there wasone difference. A fork.
I never thought that I would have trouble picking out my own food from a bowl. Who would have ever thought that a piece of spinach would be so FREAKING EVASIVE. I swear Ben had given me fighter pilot trained spinach whose one vital mission was to not be eaten by me. I literally sat that for three or four minutes trying to get something on my fork so that I could eat it without any success. Often I kept asking Ben if there was still food in the bowl because I felt like it was there but I couldn’t ever get it on my plate, he replied yes (Which I hope was true otherwise I’ll get him back later).
After lunch, we continued to explore around campus to all of the places that I usually visit. Instead of Ben guiding me the entire time I had asked if I could walk myself. Ben stayed close tas my aide in case that I needed any help. He constantly asked me questions as to my orientation to things to which I did my best to answer truthfully. I was right on more than one occasion but found myself disorientated at a lot of points. Fortunately I found my way around okay but I doubt that I could get anywhere in a reasonable amount of time. We visited people who were kind enough to be concerned, much to my laughter. I’m glad that this is rasing awarenessof not only our research but disability awareness.
When we left Raines center I had a strange experience. I was so drawn to the sounds and smells around me that I completely lost track of the conversations and the places passing me by. I listened to a squirrel climb a tree, something fallto the sidewalk, the smell of lunch being cooked, the whirr of a electric golf cart, the hum of tires against a road, the footsteps of multiple people going up the steps to the library, the sound that a soda can makes when it hits the metal of the trash can. And possibly the most terrifying but absolutely wonderful sound was the wind blowing through the trees. You have never seen wind until you go blind. Its amazing how I can see the wind flow through the trees above me. It was terrifying how strong and free form that it could be. It was a musical note and a symphony at the same time. It was melodic, harmonius, and a strange cacophony all at the tsame time. It was, no is still, an amazing experience everytime that I hear it.
For a moment, take a break from reading this blog. Walk outside. Take in a deep breath and close your eyes. Just stand there. Just take it all in. Really, for once feel the wind blow against your face. Feel it move your eyelashes, your eyebrows. Listen to the wonderful sounds of animals moving throughout the woods. Listen how the trees talk to you just from the wind blowing through their hair. Listen to the sounds that we have always heard but never, I mean never, have had the time to notice. Even now, as I type this I am listening to the musical rythms of the keyboard strokes against my fingers, and how it tcreates a song that I love to hear.
Okay, back to the day. We continued to explore until ajust before dinner time, around 3:30 or so. We decided that It would be best to go ahead and perform our tests for the day. We made our way through the lab and went through a long hour of tasting really bad tastes, smelling vanilla, trying to discern whether or not there was a beep in my headphones, and getting poked by needles for a good ten minutes. But its all worth it. I know it is so I suck it up and truck through it all. Fortunately, Ben tries to make me as comfortable as possible at all times so I’m usually not having to worry. We finished with our tests and headed off to one of our favorite people, Charlie Gray.
Charlie is one of my most favorite people to talk to because he always has new and interesting stories that arouse your imagination. I have never been so involved in a war story of his. I felt like I could have been there. My imagination ran FREE. Really free for the first time. I could see every bullet, every sweat, I felt like I could experience the fear that they went through while also being able to experience the joy that they had when they finally made it back to base. It was a crazy way to read into a story.
We left for dinner a tone of our favorite places: Mellow Mushroom. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT PIZZA COULD BE SO AMAZING. You really take for granted just how much you can really taste until its one of the few things that you have. We got our usual server who was more than willing to help me out with my blindness. She was very nice, as usual, and thought that our study was fascinating. We had a great time, Ben, Zach, David, and I, eating and joking around. I thought that I would be worried about entertainment but this is definitely the best way to keep yourself occupied.
We left to go chill around in our room and such. We sat outside for a little bit to smoke and I came to a… well, I’m not exactly sure what to call it. It was different.
Have you ever listened to two conversations, birds chirping in the far off trees, a helicopter flying in the distance, and cars going by at the same time? Its overwhelming. I’m going to try to give you all what I felt when I was in that position but it may seem jumbled and out of place so you must forgive me.
… Lennon’s music was just… And I never thought that he would break his leg… Chirp chirp chirp, flutter flutter flutter, But we know that he had to die… If you are going to germany you should visit… What do you… Zoom zoom zoom… I never thought that he would do that to her… What do you think Stephy.n… Chirp chirp chirp chirp…. Whoosh…. And what a sight it is to see!.... Because this epistemic nature… But I’m glad to be back… Flutter of birds flying through the air… A helicopter roars overhead…
And the wind blows through my hair and tingles my face. It seeps into my fingertips and I feel the cold seep up my arms and legs. The chair rocks gently back and forth and I lose myself. I visit this dark place, but not in the sense of a nightmare. Just a place that I have never visited. Its beautiful. Its this harmonious pulse within my body that I move to, though I have never known it. Its this place where I retreat to in my sleep. It’s a place thatI feel comfortable in, a place where I feel at peace. I can’t describe it. My eyes water as I see images of a gray wisp fly past my vision. I know its not really there but I feel like its somewhere in me. It warms my heart and moves all the way to my toes and fingertips. This is such an overwhelming experience.
I can’t tell you if I experienced that because I had gone blind or just because I wanted to experience something like that but it made me very happy. It made me think that I would be okay if I had to do this everyday for the rest of my life. It let me know that there is a place within myself that is a joyous place. It let me know that I believe in myself.
Today’s light dies and tomorrow comes, but not without thte setting sun. A rise and fall of moonlit skies and I just sit here, a passerby. Light is not all that I see, But I experience everything, from you to me. A blade of grass or a wisp of smoke, life, love, and every joke.
This will be an amazing week.
I don’t think that there is a single thing that you can really do to prepare for going blind. I mean, I knew it was going to happen but almost all of the people who do go blind do not have the luxury of knowing what was going to happen to them. But little did I know, I was going to enter a incredible but frightening world that would titillate my senses while giving me an entirely new outlook on life, the universe, and though its corny, everything.
This morning, Ben and I set off to the lab to do the last of our baseline testing. We got done in just enough time to grab some coffee, because it was eight thirty in the morning, and head out to the School of the Deaf and the Blind. We got there with just enough time to spare to be on time for our meeting… until the guard stopped us. Little did I know that the school actually did have worthwhile security. She checked our ID’s and made scans of our drivers liscense for our passcards and then pointed us in the right direction… but only after about 10 minutes. We finally made our way to the school for the blind. I was upset to see the school in the condition that it was. It seemed much like my middle school, slightly run down and obviously not given the moey to look better. I tried to think of some of the objections that the people who give out money would give. “Who cares how the school looks! The kids can’t see anyways!”
This really upset me. I didn’t know what to think. I wanted to hurry up and have a successful career so that I could donate to the school for better facilities. But, if only that could happen for every school that had a lack of funding. We met with a Mrs. Banks who helped Ben and I go through safety tips and issues that could take place during our time together while I was blind. She taught us how to guide walk,, which I had been a part of before with Ameer but had never been in his shoes, trailing, and proper “Cane ettiquite”. IShe was definitely a big help and a wonderful person to talk to and share our thoughts with.
Then came the time to finally put on my blinding apparatus… My heart started racing and I didn’t know what to think. After Ben had put on the first one I took a final look at a picture of my girlfriend and myself on my phone, took a deep breathe in, and shut my eyes very tightly. When I opened my eyes and wasn’t able to see anything… I didn’t panic. I didn’t freak out,t and I didn’t feel like I was going to die. I felt this strange calm over me that helped me understand that I was doing this for a purpose, that in the process of this strange experiment I was going to truthfully explore the world around me. I was going to see things more real than most anyone else can. I got excited.
That didn’t last for too long, the period bell rang at the time that we left. Imagine having… what felt like thousands, kids who have been blind for an extended period of time and could fly through the hallways with no problem while I am taking baby steps to try and even get out the door. I felt embarrassed, but I understood my predicament and then thought of how later in the week how I wanted to run through the halls as if it was no problem. So I trucked on strong and proud. With Ben’s help of course. Otherwise, as we soon found out, I would run into things… a lot.
None-the-less, we left the building for a most interstting car ride. Let me tell you, this is an experience. At least with sight you have some control, it’s a false control but you feel like you could change something if you need to. I’m very glad that I trust in Ben’s driving abilities because it is most frightening when you can’t see. We got back to campus and proceeded to explore for a bit.
Its strange what you never notice when you base mostof your sense perception on sight. While waiting in line for Alexandra’s, another one of our independent research classmates, swab for DNA a person had come up to me and placed their hand on my shoulder. Confused I reached out and said, “Don’t tell me”. I touched their hand to find slender fingers and a long slender arm. But what really hit me was their smell. I could tell that it was my friend Caroline just from that. JUST FROM THAT. It wasn’t something that I had ever noticed when I could see her face. It was only something that I could tell when I had to. I didn’t even think that I identified people by how they smelled, I just thought it was because how they looked to me. This was very exciting.
We decided that it would be best to grab some lunch since I had not eaten all day and would surely need my energy. Let me tell you, if any one of you have the chance to do this just for your meals, DO IT. It is one of the best experiences that I’ve ever had.Whoever thought that a tuna sandwich would taste so… flavorfull. It was this mixed medley of flavors that seemed to tinge from one single place but at the same time I could feel the textures and flavors mixing together to make a wonderful sandwich. With a splash of cold lemonade it makes the best morning lunch that I have had. I was still hungry so I had asked Ben to make me a salad. He politely got one for me. Here is where the experienced changed.
I thought that the salad had the same flavors experience that I had with the sandwich but there wasone difference. A fork.
I never thought that I would have trouble picking out my own food from a bowl. Who would have ever thought that a piece of spinach would be so FREAKING EVASIVE. I swear Ben had given me fighter pilot trained spinach whose one vital mission was to not be eaten by me. I literally sat that for three or four minutes trying to get something on my fork so that I could eat it without any success. Often I kept asking Ben if there was still food in the bowl because I felt like it was there but I couldn’t ever get it on my plate, he replied yes (Which I hope was true otherwise I’ll get him back later).
After lunch, we continued to explore around campus to all of the places that I usually visit. Instead of Ben guiding me the entire time I had asked if I could walk myself. Ben stayed close tas my aide in case that I needed any help. He constantly asked me questions as to my orientation to things to which I did my best to answer truthfully. I was right on more than one occasion but found myself disorientated at a lot of points. Fortunately I found my way around okay but I doubt that I could get anywhere in a reasonable amount of time. We visited people who were kind enough to be concerned, much to my laughter. I’m glad that this is rasing awarenessof not only our research but disability awareness.
When we left Raines center I had a strange experience. I was so drawn to the sounds and smells around me that I completely lost track of the conversations and the places passing me by. I listened to a squirrel climb a tree, something fallto the sidewalk, the smell of lunch being cooked, the whirr of a electric golf cart, the hum of tires against a road, the footsteps of multiple people going up the steps to the library, the sound that a soda can makes when it hits the metal of the trash can. And possibly the most terrifying but absolutely wonderful sound was the wind blowing through the trees. You have never seen wind until you go blind. Its amazing how I can see the wind flow through the trees above me. It was terrifying how strong and free form that it could be. It was a musical note and a symphony at the same time. It was melodic, harmonius, and a strange cacophony all at the tsame time. It was, no is still, an amazing experience everytime that I hear it.
For a moment, take a break from reading this blog. Walk outside. Take in a deep breath and close your eyes. Just stand there. Just take it all in. Really, for once feel the wind blow against your face. Feel it move your eyelashes, your eyebrows. Listen to the wonderful sounds of animals moving throughout the woods. Listen how the trees talk to you just from the wind blowing through their hair. Listen to the sounds that we have always heard but never, I mean never, have had the time to notice. Even now, as I type this I am listening to the musical rythms of the keyboard strokes against my fingers, and how it tcreates a song that I love to hear.
Okay, back to the day. We continued to explore until ajust before dinner time, around 3:30 or so. We decided that It would be best to go ahead and perform our tests for the day. We made our way through the lab and went through a long hour of tasting really bad tastes, smelling vanilla, trying to discern whether or not there was a beep in my headphones, and getting poked by needles for a good ten minutes. But its all worth it. I know it is so I suck it up and truck through it all. Fortunately, Ben tries to make me as comfortable as possible at all times so I’m usually not having to worry. We finished with our tests and headed off to one of our favorite people, Charlie Gray.
Charlie is one of my most favorite people to talk to because he always has new and interesting stories that arouse your imagination. I have never been so involved in a war story of his. I felt like I could have been there. My imagination ran FREE. Really free for the first time. I could see every bullet, every sweat, I felt like I could experience the fear that they went through while also being able to experience the joy that they had when they finally made it back to base. It was a crazy way to read into a story.
We left for dinner a tone of our favorite places: Mellow Mushroom. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT PIZZA COULD BE SO AMAZING. You really take for granted just how much you can really taste until its one of the few things that you have. We got our usual server who was more than willing to help me out with my blindness. She was very nice, as usual, and thought that our study was fascinating. We had a great time, Ben, Zach, David, and I, eating and joking around. I thought that I would be worried about entertainment but this is definitely the best way to keep yourself occupied.
We left to go chill around in our room and such. We sat outside for a little bit to smoke and I came to a… well, I’m not exactly sure what to call it. It was different.
Have you ever listened to two conversations, birds chirping in the far off trees, a helicopter flying in the distance, and cars going by at the same time? Its overwhelming. I’m going to try to give you all what I felt when I was in that position but it may seem jumbled and out of place so you must forgive me.
… Lennon’s music was just… And I never thought that he would break his leg… Chirp chirp chirp, flutter flutter flutter, But we know that he had to die… If you are going to germany you should visit… What do you… Zoom zoom zoom… I never thought that he would do that to her… What do you think Stephy.n… Chirp chirp chirp chirp…. Whoosh…. And what a sight it is to see!.... Because this epistemic nature… But I’m glad to be back… Flutter of birds flying through the air… A helicopter roars overhead…
And the wind blows through my hair and tingles my face. It seeps into my fingertips and I feel the cold seep up my arms and legs. The chair rocks gently back and forth and I lose myself. I visit this dark place, but not in the sense of a nightmare. Just a place that I have never visited. Its beautiful. Its this harmonious pulse within my body that I move to, though I have never known it. Its this place where I retreat to in my sleep. It’s a place thatI feel comfortable in, a place where I feel at peace. I can’t describe it. My eyes water as I see images of a gray wisp fly past my vision. I know its not really there but I feel like its somewhere in me. It warms my heart and moves all the way to my toes and fingertips. This is such an overwhelming experience.
I can’t tell you if I experienced that because I had gone blind or just because I wanted to experience something like that but it made me very happy. It made me think that I would be okay if I had to do this everyday for the rest of my life. It let me know that there is a place within myself that is a joyous place. It let me know that I believe in myself.
Today’s light dies and tomorrow comes, but not without thte setting sun. A rise and fall of moonlit skies and I just sit here, a passerby. Light is not all that I see, But I experience everything, from you to me. A blade of grass or a wisp of smoke, life, love, and every joke.
This will be an amazing week.
9.1.10
A visit back home. Friday Jan 8th
Yet another sleepless night waiting for Monday morning to come but I made myself get up to go get things done. While Ben left to go dilute solvents and other chemical mamajama, I ventured to Jesse Moshure (Shop "Keeper" for the theatre department) to get the best sound reducing gear that I could. We found not only headphones but ear plugs that will reduce sound by a total of 63 decibels. I could MAYBE hear a log drop next to my face. We spoke for a bit to determine the logistics of being blind in everyday life, discussing how it may affect me immediately especially since most of my entertainment comes from visual based activities.
Jesse was nice enough to go himself to pick up the headphones for us and we'll be getting them on Tuesday (The second day of my blindness). He also gave us some gaft tape so that we may try to cover the medical bandages over my eyes so that light can not go through. This, hopefully, will work because I rather not have a sleeper cap over my face for an entire week. I said goodbye to Jesse as I tried calling my friend Ameer for our next task.
This is one of my closest friends from highschool, Ameer. You may not be able to tell from the picture, but Ameer has been blind since the day that he was born. He can slightly detect difference in light changes but is absolutely blind. Never has this ever stopped Ameer. He has been published multiple times in technology magazines for computer programming, is attending a prestigious college, and is an Eagle scout. Yes. He's an Eagle scout. Thats hard enough to accomplish as it is. Imagine being blind and trying to do that. Ameer is one of the greatest guys I know with one of the best sense humor I've come across. He's never let his disability stop him and he takes life by the horns. I feel honored to call him my friend.
Ben and I ventured out to Greenville on our way to go gaming (like every friday) to visit Ameer and to borrow a walking cane from him. We all had a great time talking about this and that while there was never a pause in the conversation. I had asked Ameer for a few pointers about going blind. "What do I do if I get lost? How do you tell where you are? What do you do in your free time? What do you think will be my biggest challenge being blind?" Ameer calmly explained that the number one thing I needed to do was to take everything slow. Its like any other new experience and will take some time to adjust. We ended our conversation with a little jazz on the piano and hugs and handshakes all round. I can't wait to see Ameer again and I appreciate all of his help.
Ben and I ventured off to Greenville to our gaming groups later that day and didn't return until very late. I think that I may try to go out, like I usually do, while blind to play tabletop games such as Flames of War and Dungeons and Dragons. These games may be challenging because they are considered to be very visually based strategy games. Positioning and sight are a necessary part to play; but instead of giving up on my games I plan on trying to engage in the same activities I would as if I did not have a disability.
I can not wait for Monday and plan for a great fun filled weekend of photography and baseline testing.
Jesse was nice enough to go himself to pick up the headphones for us and we'll be getting them on Tuesday (The second day of my blindness). He also gave us some gaft tape so that we may try to cover the medical bandages over my eyes so that light can not go through. This, hopefully, will work because I rather not have a sleeper cap over my face for an entire week. I said goodbye to Jesse as I tried calling my friend Ameer for our next task.
This is one of my closest friends from highschool, Ameer. You may not be able to tell from the picture, but Ameer has been blind since the day that he was born. He can slightly detect difference in light changes but is absolutely blind. Never has this ever stopped Ameer. He has been published multiple times in technology magazines for computer programming, is attending a prestigious college, and is an Eagle scout. Yes. He's an Eagle scout. Thats hard enough to accomplish as it is. Imagine being blind and trying to do that. Ameer is one of the greatest guys I know with one of the best sense humor I've come across. He's never let his disability stop him and he takes life by the horns. I feel honored to call him my friend.
Ben and I ventured out to Greenville on our way to go gaming (like every friday) to visit Ameer and to borrow a walking cane from him. We all had a great time talking about this and that while there was never a pause in the conversation. I had asked Ameer for a few pointers about going blind. "What do I do if I get lost? How do you tell where you are? What do you do in your free time? What do you think will be my biggest challenge being blind?" Ameer calmly explained that the number one thing I needed to do was to take everything slow. Its like any other new experience and will take some time to adjust. We ended our conversation with a little jazz on the piano and hugs and handshakes all round. I can't wait to see Ameer again and I appreciate all of his help.
Ben and I ventured off to Greenville to our gaming groups later that day and didn't return until very late. I think that I may try to go out, like I usually do, while blind to play tabletop games such as Flames of War and Dungeons and Dragons. These games may be challenging because they are considered to be very visually based strategy games. Positioning and sight are a necessary part to play; but instead of giving up on my games I plan on trying to engage in the same activities I would as if I did not have a disability.
I can not wait for Monday and plan for a great fun filled weekend of photography and baseline testing.
7.1.10
Day 1. Thursday Jan 7th
And so it begins.
2 men.
1 plan.
An ever changing plan.
But a plan none-the-less.
Monday we'll begin our experiment of sensory deprivation. We start with eyesight. After Monday morning I put on my glasses, gauze pads, and possibly night cap. 5 straight days of being blind and I can't help but be excited.
I want.
To discover.
Myself.
Today we collected materials. All the things that we will need to continue on this experiment. Above, you'll see a pohto of what I will be wearing when I'm blind. You may not be able to tell but I am actually blind in the photo above. I'm wearing flesh colored medical bandages (I understand you can't really see them in black and white) and glasses that have been blacked out by both sharpie and tape. I can detect changes in light fairly easily though so Ben and I are looking into a way that I will not be able to, though I hope that we don't have to resort to a sleeper mask (It makes me look ridiculous). Tomorrow, Ben and I will visit Ameer to get the voice of a person who has been blind since the day that he has been born. He is a true friend and a amazing person.
Today made me realize that this experiment is extremely interesting. People want to learn and look into this and understand it. It scary to me because I now see the potential that this experiment carries. We had a round table discussion with the members of the independent study interim who were still at Wofford. It was very interesting to hear everyone's studies in full detail, along with the reasonings why they wanted to conduct their studies. It was overwhelming to have everyone ask so many questions about my reasonings behind wanting to put myself through this series of sensory deprivation but it helped me think about what I wanted to get out of it, since I haven't given that much thought since we designed the study. I'm looking for a means to me, to be completely honest. I'm excited that I'm able to do this in a research setting but am more excited to see myself for who I really am. They always said that college was the best opportunity to figure that out but I don't think anyone who says that really expected me to go blind for a few days.
The thing that scared me the most at these talks was the fact that our study does actually have academic and novel credit. The sponsors of the research studies were very interested and explain that it does have a very good chance of publication both academically and journal form from my experiences. I never really saw this as a means to something like that. I always have and will see it as a journey to discover myself, I just so happen to conduct research along the way. It scares me to think something like publication could happen... and I'm not exactly sure why. I know that I want to hurry up and get to Monday though.
For five days I will be going blind (Monday through Friday). The next week I will be going deaf for 5 days. The last week I will be stricken with true adversity by completing two whole days of both deaf and blind. While I'm most scared for the last week I also think it will be a time that I can truly examine my being, soul, or anything else that may be in there.
And soon, we begin.
Monday is so close.
And I can't wait.
2 men.
1 plan.
An ever changing plan.
But a plan none-the-less.
Monday we'll begin our experiment of sensory deprivation. We start with eyesight. After Monday morning I put on my glasses, gauze pads, and possibly night cap. 5 straight days of being blind and I can't help but be excited.
I want.
To discover.
Myself.
Today we collected materials. All the things that we will need to continue on this experiment. Above, you'll see a pohto of what I will be wearing when I'm blind. You may not be able to tell but I am actually blind in the photo above. I'm wearing flesh colored medical bandages (I understand you can't really see them in black and white) and glasses that have been blacked out by both sharpie and tape. I can detect changes in light fairly easily though so Ben and I are looking into a way that I will not be able to, though I hope that we don't have to resort to a sleeper mask (It makes me look ridiculous). Tomorrow, Ben and I will visit Ameer to get the voice of a person who has been blind since the day that he has been born. He is a true friend and a amazing person.
Today made me realize that this experiment is extremely interesting. People want to learn and look into this and understand it. It scary to me because I now see the potential that this experiment carries. We had a round table discussion with the members of the independent study interim who were still at Wofford. It was very interesting to hear everyone's studies in full detail, along with the reasonings why they wanted to conduct their studies. It was overwhelming to have everyone ask so many questions about my reasonings behind wanting to put myself through this series of sensory deprivation but it helped me think about what I wanted to get out of it, since I haven't given that much thought since we designed the study. I'm looking for a means to me, to be completely honest. I'm excited that I'm able to do this in a research setting but am more excited to see myself for who I really am. They always said that college was the best opportunity to figure that out but I don't think anyone who says that really expected me to go blind for a few days.
The thing that scared me the most at these talks was the fact that our study does actually have academic and novel credit. The sponsors of the research studies were very interested and explain that it does have a very good chance of publication both academically and journal form from my experiences. I never really saw this as a means to something like that. I always have and will see it as a journey to discover myself, I just so happen to conduct research along the way. It scares me to think something like publication could happen... and I'm not exactly sure why. I know that I want to hurry up and get to Monday though.
For five days I will be going blind (Monday through Friday). The next week I will be going deaf for 5 days. The last week I will be stricken with true adversity by completing two whole days of both deaf and blind. While I'm most scared for the last week I also think it will be a time that I can truly examine my being, soul, or anything else that may be in there.
And soon, we begin.
Monday is so close.
And I can't wait.
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